so we're sitting in church,

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and i notice the girl in front of my brother.

i normally notice little children; the cuter the outfit, the more i notice the child. (i have a thing for kiddie clothes; they are so nice! when i was young, i was always in dresses and hats and stuff. true, it was because i was bald (i gained hair when i was four years old) but you never see adults do that. well, not sane adults.)

anyway, this girl was wearing a green sundress-ish dress, with a bonnet-ish hat, and mary janes. she looked adorable. but that wasn't the reason why i noticed her.

i noticed her, because she was staring fixedly at my brother.

now, my friends know that i attract children like some sort of magnet. i don't know why, children just seem to find something they like in me. i have gotten random spurts of affection from ones i don't even know; a child once gave me donuts on the mrt!

but if i have some sort of kiddie magnet, well, my brother could be the kiddie magneto. children love him. intensely. when we sit together, sometimes, children ignore me in favor of him. that's how powerful his...kid magnet is. (no, we are not calling it pheromones. eww.)

funnily enough, for people who know both of us, they also will note that my brother is sort of a little...anti-social. (fine, he's a lot anti-social) my brother has said, on more than one occasion, that if talking to some adults is a waste of time, talking to all children is a waste of all, even more. (i honestly do not know what happened to my brother. he used to be such a bright, friendly human being. hmmm.)

anyway, back to the cute child in mary janes. realizing my brother was not going to look at her, (like, ever) decided to try sitting on the church pew to look at him some more.

my brother, who is used to being stared at by children, just kept ignoring her. i felt sorry for the child. eventually, she noticed me, but for the most part, she kept her eyes on my brother.
(i kept hoping she would fall and my brother, who was behind her, would have have to catch her. total shoujo moment, i know. but still. she's cute! and about ten years younger than him. haha.)

when we left church, she even waved at us. this charmed my parents. (and me.) my brother ignored her in search of popcorn. (in our church, instead of puto bumbong, there is a popcorn stand outside, i have no idea why it's popcorn, and not puto. they're both yummy, though.)

the next night, who do we sit behind but the girl again? it is sort of kismet now, as we do keep sitting behind them.

she spends the night staring adoringly at him again, in that cute and sort of stalker-ish way you sort of hope never to see in children.

she also spends parts of the ceremony singing and dancing. it is a little weird now, not to mention annoying because we are getting distracted from the ceremony. thankfully, she quiets down.

at the end of the mass, she waves again.

i smile, and wave back at her. my brother rolls his eyes at her, and goes.

well, it is an improvement.

chocolate supremacy

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the other day, my mother and i made chocolate.

this is a new lyn restauro' hobby: since my mother isn't working anymore, she has decided to enrich her dessert making skills. she's starting with chocolate and working her way up. (something i am very glad about; she had a tendency to grab everything beforehand; my mother had a baking phase and we were subjected to endless piles of crusty crinkles and flat cookies.)

anyway, she's been enjoying herself with making us chocolate. (it's been hard on me, really. i can't seem to like chocolate as much as i used to now that i see it everywhere.) my father insists she sell the stuff, and she's thinking about it.

well, but i digress. (obviously)

so, one time, in view of enriching my own kitchen skills (of which there are, well, none), i asked my mother to teach me how to make chocolate. my mother, overjoyed that i was finally showing signs of caring about how food was made, gamely spent the rest of the day arranging stuff for chocolate making.

the first try, i watched her.

it seemed easy enough.

melt the chocolate, put whatever ingredients you want into the mix, mold it, and set.

well, seemed is the operative word.

it was difficult!

the chocolate wouldn't melt properly, i couldn't understand how many of the add-ons to add on...it was a sweet disaster.

at one point, i thought i could smell burning chocolate. (i can hear you laughing. meanie.)

at the end, i managed to make one batch of normal-looking chocolate circles.

my mother had made ten.

hmmm.

atleast now i know how to make chocolate paste?

lantern, schmantern, loveturn.

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so i went to lantern parade.

well, i sort of went to lantern parade.

originally, lantern wasn't part of the plan. as far back as november (i know, november is not far. go away.) i thought i would be so busy with my new life as a graduate, i wouldn't even have time to remember it was time for lantern craziness.

but, as they say, the best laid plans, remain plans.

so the day before lantern, i was in CMC, watching twenty billion versions of nobody by the wondergirls.

thankfully, den rescued me from the korean pop craziness by asking me to meet her and make a lantern day and night of it.

i spent the morning in the dep, helping students attempting to reach profs, and then some.

finally, i went out to see how this year's lantern was shaping up.

it was...underwhelming. in so many ways. to anyone who has ever been to lantern, they would immediately share my sentiments.

there was only about five food stalls around the oval. usually, these stalls would cover the whole length of the oval--you literally had tons of choices of where to buy what to eat.

there was also less people. i was actually able to walk around without bumping into anyone!

as to bumping into people, i only had about seven encounters (uy encounters) with former orgmates and classmates and stuff. seven! usually i walk around exchanging heys and eyebrow lifts with a lot of people!

add to that, it started drizzling.

i was already feeling down, more so because den was late. (we were already kind of snitty with our texting, ehe.) finally, she arrived.

ofcourse, i became a bit cheerier, because the rain let up and we found it difficult to get out of school. (this made me happy because having difficulty with transportation was a lantern thing. this always happens to me and den, without fail.)

the plan was, after we realized lantern was just making us sad, to ditch lantern and just go somewhere else, like north (we were going to walk around and compare how sm had managed to evolve and still be so...hmm.) and just talk.

unfortunately, because we couldn't get out, we just ate at long i and settled down to watch lantern. (another reason to be dismayed: we were actually able to sit in the oval and watch lanterns going past with no obstructions!)

to be fair, the lanterns were still amazing. FA, as usual, had this amazing halo halo lantern that we both adored (we ended up searching for razon's at trinoma that night). we also liked the elephant and dragon lanterns. awesome CS lantern as well. i had a bad moment with the CMC lantern, because so few people were there. i felt guilty, thinking that i should have joined in.

in the end, we had fun.

and though it was a little different from our 'stay till morning in sunken lanterns' before, i still enjoyed myself.

there may have been less of everything, but then again, it just makes you appreciate what is there all the more.

maybe next year, i will be totally busy.
hopefully, i won't be too busy to go to lantern and wave.

gummy love.

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i'm in the dep, waiting for my meeting, and fielding stuff from students and staff and all that. (ate vie, i miss you. i had an inkling about how difficult your job was, and now that i am experiencing it firsthand, whoa. this is just a really long-winded way of saying please come back soon. haha. hearts.)

i want to write about my first commres dep party, about preparing while texting, gorging on food, giving gifts, and videoke with my profs, but i am afraid i will not be able to give much justice to the whole experience.

plus, i have been thinking (never a good sign, i know) of someone a lot lately. i had this friend in high school, who we shall call 'potchi' (ayun, oh, sobrang hidden naman nito). we technically grew up together, since we attended the same school for kinder, prep, elem and HS, but we only became friends in fifth grade.

it was a small school, but then again, i was always a little too go along with the flow (i took dors' manhaters club seriously, even haha) so i never really noticed people who were in other sections.

when he introduced himself in class that first day of grade five, i remember thinking, 'why are you so tall? hmp.' (you really ARE too tall, you know. and once i discover how we can swab a few inches off you to land on me, hahabulin talaga kita)

then we became seatmates, mostly because of emma, who was in his service and village.

and we became friends.

i remember those days when i could depend on you for anything, eating my lunch, disgusting stories, funny lines, homework help, an extra pair of hands (after a ton of complaints about having to be a gentleman), and...gummy candy.

we were just average, then.

sixth grade changed things. we were in the same class, and we were still friends, but then. you started dancing, i started eating my lunch...we suddenly has less in common, and more time spent on other things.

once, you asked me about high school. i don't remember what i said, but somehow, we stayed in hss.

and you fell in love. that first year, with one of my sweetest friends. i remember hurting for you, knowing she was in love with someone else.

but you bounced back.

suddenly, you were taller, hotter (ehem. galing yan sa ibang tao. i will always maintain that the only thing you have going for you is the height. and the dancing. and maybe the singing. but that's it.)

suddenly, you fell in love, and she loved you back. i was so happy for you, laughing at all the outrageously corny ideas you had for monthsaries and annives. (aminin mong corny ka. feeler)

come third year, we were both so far from each other, it was hard to remember ever having been your duet partner.

and by then, i had fallen in love as well, and was wondering what to do about it. (oh, now now, wag feeler. i wasn't in love with you. chill chill, as you say.)

i remember senior year, when you asked me about schools. you were happy we were applying to many of the same, and i was thrilled when we got into many of the same schools.

maybe i was harboring a secret hope that we would be friends again. maybe.

during graduation, you hugged me, and thanked me for everything. i did the same, and as we exchanged all the creepy emotions and motions that seem to burst out in full during grad, i wonder how much of what we said i really meant.

i'll never know, because we never went to the same school.

and we have never talked again. they say you've changed, in more ways than one.

i can say the same for me. i'm poles different from the me that i was then.

but right now.

i don't know.

i wonder about you, and i always wonder about one thing: do you still eat gummy candies? pochi has long since disappeared, but there are others. i have currently fallen (again) for your favorite trolli burger.

i've always felt we were like gummy candies.

we always bounce back.

i still hope we can, because i miss having someone match me sing.

***no, no, no. this is not a love letter. i wish i had fallen in love with the person here, but then again, different strokes. it's just this letter has been in my head for a while, and i thought of putting it to paper (digital paper haha). i wish i had a way for him to read this, but i don't. i've been trying to write again, so this is another exercise of that.***

all i want for christmas is..

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well, a lot.

i have been stalking jessica zafra's blog (it is my new favorite net activity, reading awesome blogs: jessica zafra's, amanda's blog, barney's...) and she had an entry asking everyone what their holiday wishes were.

i was thinking of replying, but then i realized...my wish list would be way too long.

so i'm posting it on my own blog, in the hopes that one of my long-time admirers (of which there are two--my mom and my dad) get at least one thing on the list for me.

1. BOOKS. i have a lot of books that i want, but as of now...i wish for:

* superfreakonomics ( i am reading freakonomics, it is awesome.)
* the book thief
* dante's game
* the complete princess diaries (they are such funny books)
* the complete correspondence, griffin & sabine (yes, this is a dream.)
* my own copy of a constant princess, and the time traveller's wife (books i have read, which i hope to own)
* my lost books: flipped, all american girl 1&2...i don't even have the strength to remember all the books lost to me.
* Stardust, the illustrated edition, although I wouldn't say no to the graphic novel version :)

2. THAT SAMSUNG PHONE. Samsung has a new phone, called the Blue Earth, made of eco-friendly material. It is the first ever eco-phone--it's solar powered! And cutesy. I want it. It is not available in the Philippines. Ah, me.

3. DVD'S! I wish for an original DVD of Up, Stardust (yes, I am in love with all things Stardust), and Michael Jackson's last concert, the one they showed in theaters? Also! Kimmydora, and Gakuen Alice.

4. A plane ticket to New York, to visit my Inna. (I miss you, my dearest. Please harass nate archibald for me.)

5. The Complete Season One of Glee, as well as the Music to Glee. I also wish for Seasons 3 and 4 of Chuck. (When are you showing in the Philippines? I miss Chuck. Argh.)

6. I want movie buddies to The Princess and the Frog. (It's DISNEY. In 2D again. Come on!)

7. I want people to go with to see Rent. (Hello. Rent. Do I even need to explain Rent?)

8. I want a penguin. Alright, a stuffed penguin. (I have only recently figured out that Bad Badtz Maru is a penguin. I always thought he was some sort of mean-spirited dog. Anyway, erase that, because I don't want Badtz Maru for Christmas.) Pengii looks lonely alone. He needs a friend. (And I need a friend who will give me that friend. haha)

9. A one terabyte hard drive. I have been downloading a lot lately....

10. That carrot cake from Bulacan! Why oh why did the baker person have to move away?!

11. David Henrie, from Wizards of Waverly Place. (I wish I knew why, but I find him reaally cute.)

And, to offset all this greed, I also wish:

1. For happiness for all my friends, especially with regard to love. Everyone I know seems to be in some sort of love-related slump. So, I wish for love for everyone.

2. Discernment for voters, so that they realize that:

* some candidates ARE NOT THEIR PARENTS
* some candidates ARE NOT THEIR COMMERCIALS
* some candidates ALREADY HAD THEIR CHANCE
* some candidates ARE MORE THAN THEIR AFFILIATIONS

*yes, i do have bias. i am presently narrowing my presidential choices to gilbert teodoro, or manny villar. more on this later.*

3. World Peace.

Hmmm. I guess offsetting didn't work.

So, WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS? Top three things! Reply to this post! Or, if you are like me, post your own wish list! Who knows, you might get all of it!

xoxox.

And please, don't grumble? It's a wish list. Anyone who actually gets me something here must really love me. (or be my parents.) After all, I am, above all, a push over. Greetings do it for me, in some ways. :) happy holidays.

the first thirteenth. (although this really is just about getting over a crush)

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last week, my former boss texted me, saying that i should grab my thirteenth month from the office.

i did a double take.

i had thirteenth month pay?

i mean, i wasn't even employed.

anyway, i did some research, and it turns out,there is a labor law that says you get paid the commensurate amount of work you did, even when you leave.

which, for me, is awesome. (what? i am unemployed)

so, today, i went to mcl, lugging with me my boss's birthday gift, and two books i bought in the spirit of christmas. (that is, in the spirit of christmas for myself: i bought freakonomics and wicked)

i had a fun time hanging out with the clc people, a few former "students" and officemates. and, ofcourse, there was him.

the last time i visited, i didn't see him.

but this time, R, no doubt possessed by that thing that hits all people involved in romantic relationships*, she dragged me to admissions and made me say hello. it helped that i had developed friendships with other people there--in fact, he is probably the only one i am not close to in admissions. (a trait of me being seriously in like with someone is that i never get close to them. if i'm close to you, you totally know we're never gonna be like that)

he is still as cute as he was last summer, perhaps with longer hair. he has also gotten slightly plump-er, although it is not very noticeable (unless you were semi-stalking him, which i was)

we chatted for a bit, inane things revolving around how many students registered, how was i doing, was he singing tonight, would i be coming back...after a bit more inanity, i realized i was holding his work up, and i said goodbye.

i duck out and head back to csro.

before i leave, i had to try my habit of trying (and forever failing) to see him in the ad double doors.

i saw him this time. he was talking to an applicant, smiling and gesturing.

he didn't notice me.

but you know what, this time, it feels different.

no butterflies or, uy nikikilig tones ringing in my ear.

just that nice feeling, of knowing i was leaving, but then again, i could always come back.


*by that thing, i mean, that strange sickness that makes every single committed person go around finding perfect matches for their single friends, with the bubbly, a bit heartwarming explanation of; 'i just want you to be as happy as me!' i have been the recipient of this treatment countless times. not once has it worked.

i am still like this

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Miss you so, so, so much sometimes, that it's funny.

And I know, when I think it through piece by piece, in the logical, scientific way of a Cres major which I should have--because I'm a Cres graduate! That you are not that great.

I mean, when I look at you--the you from then, as clearly as I can, I remember how…annoying you were. You always had to pull my hair in the morning, you kept boinking me on the head just to emphasize how much taller you were than I was, you always had to give creepy meanings to me and Rome…you had to know everything, you even went so far as to steal my journal!

I could list down a hundred more of your annoying traits, but I'm sure you get the point.

But then, every single one of those annoying things--for each one of them, I remember other instances.
You gave me a sandwich every morning for breakfast, you helped me with things I couldn’t reach, heck, you even switched lockers with me when mine was too high! And all those creepy meanings was your way of getting me to realize my boundaries…and you never were able to read my journal. Granted, my repetitive kicks and punches would have been a big reason why you couldn’t.

Still.

When I think of you, I remember random moments of your awesomeness.

Recess together, calls when you think I'm down, all that probing when I had to avoid you for someone.

All the chocolates, that doggie…everything nice and sweet.

All the happy memories of you and me are exaggerated in my head, Nuel.

I know I'm being illogical.

You cannot be as awesome in real life as I make you out in my head.

So why am I still...

bumming.

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bored, bored, bored.

that's what i am.

i am so bored.

i feel myself literally expanding, as i sit in this computer chair and type away.

aurgh.

i hate being depressed.

but there really is no other way to feel these days.

i am bored.

these past few weeks, i have gone swimming, joined a wedding, swilled alcohol, learned how to make pirated cd's for import, gone up two waist sizes, and indulged in wedding cake. on the more serious side, i have undergone a pregnancy scare, and gotten allergic to antihistamines (that's right, i am, officially, more pathetic than anyone else you know). please do not ask me how i became allergic to anti-allergy medicine, because i do not know the answer to that.

i have also gotten atleast eight hours of sleep everyday. i have to stress this fact, it's just...so important. haha.

and yet, with all of these exciting (ha) changes to my life, i am still bored.

because i am still jobless. i am feeling officially pathetic, and left out.

all my blocmates have jobs and lives and are already fairly useful to society.

i sit here, blogging about helping the philippines become better when i am not even paying taxes.

aurgh.

i know i shouldn't feel so down.

everyone's been telling me that there is a time for everything, that i will get a job soon, and all that.

and i agree with them, i do believe that somewhere out there exists a tiny cubicle, (or at the very least, a computer chair) that is just for me.

but a part of me just can't help feeling so small and tiny, especially when i remember my crs send off. all my orgmates were telling me they expected great things from me in the future.

and as far as i can see, the only great thing about me right now is my size.

one of those days.

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this means nothing. some stuff i just can't flush out of me in the normal way.

He tsched. Atleast, to her, that was what it was.

The sound--part sigh, part whine, part growl--disturbed the silence in her living room.

He clears his throat, and says, in the voice she knows so well; "I don't understand you."

Ah.

So it was going to be one of those days. She looks at him from her spot on the floor, a figure sitting on her couch, half-hidden in the shadow. She wonders if they should turn on the light.

She lays back down, smiles and replies.

"What do you mean?", she answers in a jesting tone, wishing she really was kidding, wishing she wasn't partly unsure of herself.

"You can tell me anything."; says the voice. Already, signs of frustration are there.

"Of course. I know that. Anything at all.", she agrees. Her voice remains the same, soft, steady, sure.

He shakes his head, and tries again: "Then why are you going on this..."

He does not finish.

She lifts her head and looks at him. She sighs, and stands up. As she walks, the words come out, softly: "I told you already. We've been through this. I need this. What's more, I want this. You know I always--"

"get what you want.", he cuts her off, taking her hand in his.

She blinks, confused. When did he start to walk towards her? She hadn't even seen it. His hand on hers takes her back to the present.

Knowing what was expected of her, she replies in a giddy tone: "See? You're learning. Claps for you!"

She tries to take her hand back, to demonstrate the claps, but he does not let her. Instead, he captures both hands in his right, and lifts her chin with his left.

"We're friends."; he says in a voice that is part hope, part plea, all unsure.

There is nothing she can do but meet his gaze, a smile masking the emotions in her eyes.

"Ofcourse we are. The very best.", she agrees. Her voice shakes, barely perceptible, with the lie.

i am NOT pregnant!

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It all started with a quiz.

I was online, semi-applying for jobs and scouting for jobs when I saw a blogthings link. I have always loved blogthings; the quizzes are short, the results funny and easy to repost to another site.

In fact, some months back, I had a, hmmm, rather unhealthy obsession with blogthings quizzes. I couldn't stop taking them! Thankfully, I developed another, similarly unhealthy obsession with reading make-believe blogs and was able to stop.

Feeling safer now, I have started to take quizzes again, although I wasn't as obsessive as before.

Having nothing else to do (sort of. I do think this job hunt thing is a little tiring already. But I digress, my self esteem is not the issue anyway.) I clicked on 'take a random quiz' and got the 'are you pregnant' quiz, and decided to take it.

Lo and behold, the quiz result was that I was pregnant.

Finding this funny (extremely funny: yes, my sense of humor seems absurdly twisted at times), I posted it to my FB wall. And now, some people actually think I am pregnant.

At first, I found this extremely funny as well. But now, even my thesis adviser thinks it's true!

My goodness. I am not pregnant. I'm just...fat.

I will be in school tomorrow to get my Nutrikid, you can judge then.

Although, it probably doesn't help matters that I have gained a hundred pounds over this whole rest period of mine.

Hmmm.

Is it weird that I still find this funny?

Want to be misunderstood and talked about? Then take the blogthings 'Are You Pregnant?' quiz: http://www.blogthings.com/areyoupregnantquiz/

You know you want to.

we can do it, together!

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i know with everything that's been showing up and about in the news and in every other place that it all just seems to suck

and that nothing seems to be changing

but i know

that we can do something

even if it's just something that seems so small

CARING WORKS.

but it'll only happen if we all start to care.

CARE.
VOTE.
REGISTER.
NOW.

http://www.bagongbotante.ph/

I AM SOOOOOO

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HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

I DO NOT INTEND TO MAKE SENSE.

JUST HAPPY.

HAPPY.

KAY?

last day as a goddess....

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as a dorm goddess, anyway.

hmm.

this last day as a dormer is pretty much...uneventful.


this semester was one of the most difficult, so i was rarely at the dorm.

this was something that was characteristic of all of my close dorm friends, though. case/s in point: there were rarely any 'the counter' editions, i only had one fake study session with them, and we didn't even make it to mang jimmy's this year.

we are such a sad busy bunch, our semender sorta was ordering mc do last tuesday.

still.

im alone in my room, roommates gone.
boxes everywhere.
im taking things down, and packing them
away from here.

argh, that sucks. i'm so...befuddled, i can't even pretend to be all deep and poetic (cause i'm writing a poem..haha i know so not funny) about it.

im not really sure if i'm sad, or happy or anything.

truth be told, what i am is TIRED of everything to do with school.

but to me, school and sampa are two entirely different things.

this place has been home to me for a good three years...i started a sorority here, found ghosts, haunted halls, tried being a king (i guess goddess would be better) maker, snuck into other people's rooms, snuck other people into my room, learned the value of a much-needed movie break...

it is here that i learned about hidden delivery places, the special happiness that comes with knowing when classes are about to be cancelled, the cute announcements, the strength needed in changing water bottles from dewdrop...

most of all, i found a group of people who i know i never would have met if i hadn't stumbled upon sampa. we were all from different courses and interests and generally didn't match in any way, and yet...these women--goddesses--have and continue to make me realize that home truly is where one's heart is.

i will miss you all.

so, so, so much.

can anybody find me?

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somebody to loooove!!!

no, not another emotional blah---g entry. this is just a glee hangover. my goodness, that show is the best. everyone should watch it. you have not lived if you haven't seen it.

anyway.

im still here, just bouncing around, waiting for thesis approval.

im suffering an intense bout of jealousy right now, as nearly everyone's done.

but, as my roommate has pointed out, once I leave, I am never coming back.

so why be sad?

other friends who are out in the real world right now have pointed out to me--occasionally in words of one syllable--that the real world is dark, dreary, depressing. that school is better. infinitely.

i don't know, for my part, what is true and what isn't. maybe it depends on the person, maybe I'd enjoy real life more.

but whose to say?

i just saw gossip girl episode 6, and lily stresses that people go to college to find themselves.

i wonder how true something like that can be.

im milliseconds away from finishing college, and i still don't know who i want to be.

it was so much easier when we were all in kinder, and all we had to do was draw on a piece of paper who were supposed to be in ten years.

after all, drawings can always get erased.

an open, open letter

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hmmm.

i've been reading fanfiction--in between editing thesis and re-reading parts of love, stargirl.

and i have now come to the conclusion that i desperately need to get this OUT of my system, before i explode, or maybe hit another person who succeeds in even marginally reminding me of you in one of your less than amazing moments.

so here goes: i'm taking a leaf out of stargirl's book, and writing a letter to you, the one person who was able to effectively shatter my heart.i have yet to congratulate you for doing that, you know. out of everyone, you were the only one who was able to leave an amazingly lasting impression on it.

first up, i'm sorry. that letter, that card, all that was in it---it was all out of line. i should never have sent it, should never have given it to you. my feelings for you, as it had been then, and still now, are my sole problem.

so you were cute and kind and funny and you knew who jane austen was. it wasn't like you did that to make me fall in love with you. that was just you.

second, for all the stalkerazzi attempts all over the years that we have had this wide, wide gap between us, i...i guess i partly apologize. i should have known that the closure i hoped to get from you was already happening.

i guess i just never realized, after all we had (as friends, get your mind out!) that maybe you would atleast talk to me.

thirdly, that birthday greeting. what the?!?

and lastly (for now, im writing this while feeling all on the brink, so you know. scattered thoughts here and there) yes, he is cute. but we are just friends, just like i've been just friends with every guy in my life who isn't you.

i know i'm pathetic, i fully recognize and see that now.

and i'm taking all the necessary steps that i can to get back to my non-pathetic status. it's just going to be taking a while what with everyone having love lives and stuff.

but trust me---your ridiculous new nickname, the distance between us, and even her--they all give me enough ammunition to keep fighting to get away from this ever evil web of us.

do i make sense, n?

i know, deep in my heart, that at this moment in time, i truly DON'T want to be with you.

it's just that i don't understand who i am without my rather creepy,though at times cute, and sporadic obsession over you.

i don't know who i am if i'm not "pining" over you.

so i have to ask you this: who do you become if you lose the one person who helped you shape your future?

is there even a me, when there is so obviously not an us anymore?

pathetic, i know.

but hey.

this amazingly pathetic thing we have between us is the main reason i hesitate to watch the first full show.

i give up.

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Doesn’t last?

What erriol (fanfic is baad. very very bad) said is true.

It really doesn’t matter if love doesn’t last, if tomorrow the person you waited forever for suddenly leaves.

You had that moment.

And to all the boys (and girls, but really, were talking about love right now so it's fine) in my life that I gave moments to--and received moments from, I thank them.

And to the one boy, to the one person who is still capable of making me feel a billion ways all at once, I love you still.

I don’t know why, I'll be damned if I try to measure or validate what I feel for you.

My feelings are not the methodology section of a research paper.

All I know right now, is that you still make my heart skip a beat, even after you've shattered it.

I am so endlessly hopeless.

i hate you.

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sid left today.
ins went last week.
dheng is already working,
momy is doing volunteer stuff.

it seems everyone is going places and things, and all i seem to be doing
is wishing them well.

why is it that when i think of my future, it always involves that three and a half-year old conversation about marine biologists, lawyers, and never giving up?

i hate you.

why shouldn't i, anyway?

you seem to have moved on to better things, you seem to have even turned it all around for yourself, while i'm still stuck here, remembering you, missing us...

it seems a hell of a lot more than just highly unfair, don't you think?

what?

you're a little intelligent. you should know...i don't know!

you should know better than to leave me hanging!

i went first, but did you have to follow through so decidedly?

what is with you?

i wish i could knock some sense into that thing you have for a head.

or have you knock some sense into me.

i can't do this anymore.

help me.

help me now.

the final last.

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awww.
my.
goodness.

my head, my legs, my voicebox hurts.

but this kind of hurt feels great.

i just came from my last Sday with CRS...as a resident member.

somehow, all things last just bring me to a private, teary/slightly weepy me.

when i was standing there, yelling and lecturing and insulting (oh, to be a CRS mem!) apps, i was feeling clear headed and solid.

there was a goal, and i had to help get the apps there.

and then, suddenly, it was over.

they were mems, and the focus was on us, and i just felt...sad.

i know i haven't been the greatest CRSoccer this semester. if anything, all my orgs (yes, there is no hierarchy even in that haha) have suffered equal difficulties with me because of my rather apathetic self this sem.

so i really didn't feel that i had the right to give a message on what it means to be a part of a rockin' org like UP CRS.

but still.

right now, sitting here, typing and i just...

i feel it now, more than ever.

today was the first of the many hard goodbyes i will have to make,as i wind the days to october down.

so, now, to all commressoccers, alumni and members, who have made my CRES life all the fascinating shades it has had:

***i say thank you. for opening doors, for blasting open windows, and even creating ones out of nothing.

***for my EAfamily, to all the events, WOW! you guys showed me the real meaning of the words, 'when there's a will, there's a way...and when you're in CRS, you create a way.' haha

***for EXE0809, to a fab year, and to the year it is giving me now, loads of applause. yun na yun eh. haha.

***to my buddy pam (special mention talaga, ganon na eh), for the encouragement, for the tips, for showing me the mems' photos....thank you. you made my app process a lot less difficult.

and ofcourse, to my 06A batchmates. it was nice spending today with you. though we're missing a zara-clad polar bear, im sure he's bouncing along with us, every step of the way.

i will miss all of you, and will try my best to become moderately successful enough to be someone you will contact in pursuit of solicitations.

xoxo.

ing.

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She was
flying, swerving, leaping
living
through the mess of the night, most of which was still
Light.
before her, was
He
walking, bumping, staying
living
in the calm of the day, most of which was still
Night.

sometimes, acad breaks are worth it.

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Yesterday, I was all in a tizzy over everything that had happened with typhoon Ondoy.

I was literally in a whirl: lost friends, lost houses...it was a bit unnerving to realize that events you only thought belonged in the news were happening to people you knew.

I was doing my best to edit our thesis framework, but I was getting nowhere, what with the knowledge that my thesis partner was battling water in Bulacan, along with some other friends from that area. I was also a little tired of seeing and hearing all the news bulletins of missing people, submerged areas and whatnot.

It was also a little funny--and sad--to realize that my being stranded at Ins' house was nothing to people who had to walk in the flooded roads to get to their homes.

Being stranded, figuratively, because I couldn't stop thinking, I knew I had to do what I could. I just didn't know what that was.

Did I suddenly show up at an evacuation center with food? Or attempt to go to foundations and be all, I wanna help?

Finally, after some minor stalking online, I managed to talk to several of my friends and decided to go to the CMC drive for goods today.

I was a little bit unsure at first, after all, I had thesis, I had SA work...who was I to go raring around to help victims of Ondoy?

But in the end, I went.

And am I glad that I did.

At first, there were only three of us. Inside my head, a voice was shouting, greeeeeeeaaat. This is what happens when you try to be all nice.What are we all trying to achieve, anyway?

But then, stories about typhoon experiences abounded, and I realized...the people with me believe we can do something. And if I don't shut my brain up and start thinking the same way, then nothing will change.

So, after settling all that--mentally, yes, I am a little insane--I dove into the work.

Packing everything was a little tiring, what with having to sort everything out into realistic piles of clothes for children, for men, for women, for small men, small women...you get the picture.

But by lunchtime, there were a lot more of us and the work became lighter, the atmosphere cheerier.

Then we moved out, to meet up with the USC efforts to distribute to communities.

There was a lot of waiting time involved.

It is definitely not the way you imagine it, or see it on TV.

Relief operations take a long time to coordinate, and there we all were, sitting around, raring to go. Apparently, government help from QC would have to come later, as the damage had to be "assessed" before anyone could get goods.

Finally, we got to go to the community.

It was a lot of hard, incredibly difficult work. We had to go deep into the area of Old Capitol Site, because our relief goods were not enough for everyone in the community.

It was particularly shocking to see the area, because there was so much...chaos, for lack of a better word. Parts of houses, mud everywhere. We were also told to watch out for snakes.

And then there were the people. There were times when it was so disheartening, to try and help, because they were also fighting among themselves, about relief goods and whatnot.
There was also the heartbreaking realization that what we brought them wouldn't really be enough to make a dent in their lives.

At the same time, having seen the people, I feel a bit better knowing I was able to help.

I maybe a little behind with my second draft, but you know what?

This kind of delay is definitely more than worth it.

We invite everyone to drop off goods for Ondoy victims at the CMC Admin Office, care of Ms. Gina, or at the Church of the Risen Lord, care of the USC. A lot of UP residents still need our help, so please, please, please, try to donate what you can! We ...also aim to go beyond UP communities, so please, please, let's all help!

write DOWN.

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Argh.

I am so tired.

What do I do, what do I do?

I must finish this!

not a loser-ish day

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Yesterday, I was feeling waaaay like a loser: Ninoy kept asing me about my plans for today, and I was all...I plan to watch two episodes of Shining Inheritance. Then do thesis.

It was a while before I realized what a loser statement that was: I didn't have birthday plans. Like, at all.

I mean sure, watching a DVD of a Korean drama is interesting, but...but...it's not a birthday plan for someone like me, who is needy and dependent on others.

I need a plan with lots of people. But I had financial, physical and time management issues!

I slept feeling like nothing, but woke up...to a very un-loser ish day. :D

I had no idea how they did it, but my roommates managed to make me a banner with balloons and all that, between the time I slept (eleven) and woke up (three). They also gave me a Love, Stargirl book.

Then, I was feeling all, oh, definitely nothing from the bloc, because we were all under severe financial constraints. But they came through for me!

They actually got me a gift. I was so touched, but I kept the tears in. That would have been weird, and awkward. Now I'm in the dorm, waiting for my parents.

So far, today has been...in the words of my favorite character in Chuck: Awesome.

you! off my planet! (or at the very least, my bathing space?)

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How?

That is my only question, really.

Well, I also want to ask you if you saw anything, but really.

What now, has possessed me to actually blog again, after ages of...er, not blogging?

Harassment.

And a little nudity.

See, I was in the bathroom, sleeping/taking a bath.

I was shampooing my hair, and thinking of what to wear. (No, I am not trying to rhyme. Go away.)

Then, I saw a towel slung next to mine. This being a regular dorm occurrence*, I ignored it. Then, the unexplainable, incredibly harassing moment happened.

Suddenly, whoever slung their towel there actually opened the door!** Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to yell at her, and was able to close it before whoever it was got the full show. I hesitate to realize how much she actually saw. Argh.

People, honestly. THIS is why we have dorm rules, so we don't end up harassing others. Please.

Follow them?

*Dorm rule in the bathroom 1: Use towels to designate line place. Five minutes for each towel. Yes, obviously, that girl was NOT following the rules.

**No, I am not showcasing my exhibitionist tendencies. Some of the doors on the bathroom stalls in my dorm room are broken, and cannot be locked anymore. I could lead into a whole other discussion on greater state subsidy and the need for better maintenance, but what would be the point?

ARGH.

To paraphrase Mikan Sakura (Gakuen Alice), 'Now I will never be able to get married!'

Right. Cause I was planning on it, really.

I keep hoping

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that a forever without us couldn't possibly exist.

But it seems that it can.

I am so busy these days, I so don't have time to be emo--but somehow, it is just--there.

You are just there, a prickly sensation at the back of my mind, tickling me into thinking about you.

When I catch a breath, when I take a break, when I just have enough time to be me, you are there.

I wish I could stop, but it seems pointless to pretend that I can.

I am sadly, still not sure how I feel about you.

slu-thing day?

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Today, I had to wake up bright and early for a 7am class.

I was in a preppy mood, so I wore a mini-dress and my favorite sandals.

I was feeling pretty happy and chipper, but Ico actually lectured me on what I was wearing!

This was by far the first time he had ever done it.

Hmm.

I cannot believe it.

Today was the day where I was actually chastised--multiple times...for what I wore.

It was kind of discomfiting, because it's rarely happened before.

Plus, this time, even Jan--who was quick to point out how weird it was, coming from her--was all, the back of your dress is scary.

I don't really have an opinion with regard to how short is short--as long as you can carry it off, why not, right?

The great thing about being in this school is that people don't judge you based on what you wear. I had a prof once, who claimed we could go naked, provided we were sure that we would not distract our class!

And well, it shouldn't matter, right?

What you wear, what you don't wear---you're more than that.

Everyone is.

So right now, why do I feel like everyone around me looks at the length and goes...slut?

Revisions!

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Argh.

Just finished with the first leg of revisions for Nutrikid.

Am feeling a bit accomplished, and happy.

Also had a fun (and funny) time at Technohub with Coeli.

We went there to get bond paper.

Hmmm.

election, schmelection

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Well.

Election season is upon us again.

Upon me, specifically.

No, I am not talking about the national elections (more on that in the next few days, because it sickens me to death)

I mean elections in Sampa. (Sampaguita Residence Hall, where I live and love)

I have been bothered--again and again--to run for Chair.

I have repeated--again and again--that I plan to graduate on time.

Argh.

I hate this whole thing.

I mean, it is not like I don't want to serve. I do!

It is just that I want to graduate as well!!!

Brr.

aww.ver. please?

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(First published through wordpress; 13 June 2009)

Sigh.

Was hanging out with my elem/hs batchmates yesterday…we went to Calamba, rented a pool place, and bam. Overnight mode.

As always, when I get together with the people who feel they knew us best, mention of our golden couple-esque selves is made.

I know that I should let this go, be all mature, but REALLY.

I am so sick to death of being the mature one in this non-relationship.

Can I, for once, just be all over and done with this phase of my life?

I have never wanted to move on so much.

And yet.

I can’t.

Because closure—this time around—requires the two of us.

it is just a school, people.

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(First published through wordpress; 11 June 2009)

*This post is not meant to challenge, or annoy or insult anyone. I am way too busy to do things like that. Please.

Why is this such an issue?

I have no idea why, but there seems to be an awful lot of people making noises about my school.

I’ve read a lot of complaints, about us being ‘mayabang’ and all that.

I am too tired to be all defensive about my school.

I would just like to say: it is just a school.

It shouldn’t matter where you went, what you do, or who you are…it’s what you do with what life gives you that matters.

So everyone should just stop jibber-jabbering about whose better, whose not…and just make the most of what they have.

Right?

what looms ahead is not now (duh)

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(First published through wordpress; 11 June 2009)

I am getting antsy-stressed.

I feel so lost these days, it amazes even me.

I don’t really understand why.

I always thought I would have ample time to be myself, to understand what I want to do with my life.

But it turns out that I am so wrong.

This all started when my dad took me to work one day, and asked me when the registration for the UP LAE (the UP Law Aptitude Exam) was.

I reminded him that I wasn’t taking the LAE anymore.

He then shifted gears and asked me what I planned to take for my MA.

Um, back up.

MA??! I have yet to graduate, and now this?

Seriously.

The main reason why I have been taking all these odd jobs is because I want to find out what I want.

Of course now, all I know is what I don’t want to do.

What I want to do still looms ahead, a vast dark, not visible haze in the future.

I always thought I would have more time to figure out who to be.

But now…I have people calling me, asking if I am interested to pursue a career in this or that. I have reminders on my phone from people, reminding me to sign up for the August LAE review.

And there is the ever present form of my father, who keeps asking me what I want to be.

And I have no heart to tell all these people that I do not know.

That I need more time, and that I really, truly want…something.

in love, love, love

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oh, that thing called lurve.

(First published through wordpress; 10 June 2009)

Dayum

I am officially a nothing person now.

All I do is blog about myself, watch television and mutter to myself, or text people to complain about—wait for it*—myself.

And, really, I see no need to blame anyone.

My vacation has been extended, thanks to all the pandemics, CRS shutdowns and other things that went down over the next couple of days.

Without other people around me to remind me that I must focus on their worlds, not mine, I am at a supreme loss. I have never paid this much attention to myself.

It’s refreshing.

This being the case, I would just like to sigh about my favorite non-problem problem: my lack of a boyfriend/romantic someone.

This is a non-problem, because I do know how immature I am: I don’t have the emotional capacity to care enough about being the center (or at the very least, part of the center) of someone’s world.

But still.

Watching television today, it just makes one—fine, me—feel that I want something like that.

A person who watches out for you, bugs you when s/he feels that you are taking on too much…a steady there person.

After all, there HAS to be a reason why we have this many songs and books and just about every single thing about love—it must mean we all need and deserve it.

Right?

*Currently obsessed with Barney Stinson (Neil Patrick Harris) on How I Met Your Mother. He is awesome!

ehf?! beeh?! me?!

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ehf?! beeh?! me?!

(First published through wordpress; 9 June 2009)

Goodness.

Was watching Boys over Flowers—the Korean version at Sol’s house.

She just texted, and I was all, okay!

We spent the day watching all the shows on channel 2, and catching up.

In between, they tried to convince me to go on Facebook, the social networking site that made that high school guy rich. (Atleast I think he was in high school.)

I have tried explaining to a lot of people that FB seems like too much of a commitment, and lauded Multiply, but they were all, ‘our elementary classmates are on Facebook.’

They then proceeded to tell me that I was basically the only person with no FB account. Ergo, I am the only one who will not be getting updates about reunions and stuff.

Um.

Which is true, but highly unfair.

I mean, why do we need a networking site when we can text each other?

But, apparently, we do.

So now, I do have a facebook account.

After my previous rant about getting too publicized, I just feel so pathetic.

But I cannot, cannot say no to my friends.

How sad am I anyway?

purged

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purged.

(First published through wordpress; 8 June 2009)

Well.

This has been a truly eventful week.

I quit my job, went back to school, and purged my old blog account.

Call me shallow, but that last one really, truly hit me HARD.

I am what you would call an accidental blogger: I got into blogging because I was interested in reading someone else’s blog. Because this person’s entries were private, I had to subscribe to the blog community.

And I did, figuring that I wouldn’t really have to blog. I could just be like a leech, and read everything.

But, as always, curiosity got the best of me.

Blogging became my own “acting out mechanism”—see, when I started out, almost no one (maybe a few friends) looked at my blog.

And my blog became a real outlet for me then: I could post whatever I wanted, without anyone knowing—unless they really did want to know.

I ended up blogging and enjoying myself.

Then, Multiply* happened.

Well, to be more specific, their cross-posting feature happened.

Not only could I vent my feelings to the world, this time, the world could reply. And because this world consisted of close friends, it was even better.

Suddenly, I didn’t have to tell anyone anything…I just had to blog about it, and bingo, a reaction.

I became a blog-whore. In a nutshell, I posted everything I felt, more bent on getting a reaction from people than because it was worth posting.

I even told people about really personal things!

And I realized.

Ah, me!

This is so not who I am.

I like blogging, but I like doing it for me, not for anyone else.

And that’s why this blog is entitled amaendments, so that I can change back, to that passive-aggressive blogger who got thrilled if someone really did take notice—but didn’t care if no one did.

*For those of you who are not as dorky as me, Multiply is an online community site where you can host everything—photos, blogs, music…anything. It is really fun, a bit less stalker-friendly than Facebook.

i am so flighty, that i feel

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weird.

i mean, no one really reads this.

but i have to admit.

i truly enjoy it.

haha.

will now be uploading my first published post from wpress and tumblr.