we can do it, together!

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i know with everything that's been showing up and about in the news and in every other place that it all just seems to suck

and that nothing seems to be changing

but i know

that we can do something

even if it's just something that seems so small


but it'll only happen if we all start to care.




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last day as a goddess....

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as a dorm goddess, anyway.


this last day as a dormer is pretty much...uneventful.

this semester was one of the most difficult, so i was rarely at the dorm.

this was something that was characteristic of all of my close dorm friends, though. case/s in point: there were rarely any 'the counter' editions, i only had one fake study session with them, and we didn't even make it to mang jimmy's this year.

we are such a sad busy bunch, our semender sorta was ordering mc do last tuesday.


im alone in my room, roommates gone.
boxes everywhere.
im taking things down, and packing them
away from here.

argh, that sucks. i'm so...befuddled, i can't even pretend to be all deep and poetic (cause i'm writing a poem..haha i know so not funny) about it.

im not really sure if i'm sad, or happy or anything.

truth be told, what i am is TIRED of everything to do with school.

but to me, school and sampa are two entirely different things.

this place has been home to me for a good three years...i started a sorority here, found ghosts, haunted halls, tried being a king (i guess goddess would be better) maker, snuck into other people's rooms, snuck other people into my room, learned the value of a much-needed movie break...

it is here that i learned about hidden delivery places, the special happiness that comes with knowing when classes are about to be cancelled, the cute announcements, the strength needed in changing water bottles from dewdrop...

most of all, i found a group of people who i know i never would have met if i hadn't stumbled upon sampa. we were all from different courses and interests and generally didn't match in any way, and yet...these women--goddesses--have and continue to make me realize that home truly is where one's heart is.

i will miss you all.

so, so, so much.

can anybody find me?

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somebody to loooove!!!

no, not another emotional blah---g entry. this is just a glee hangover. my goodness, that show is the best. everyone should watch it. you have not lived if you haven't seen it.


im still here, just bouncing around, waiting for thesis approval.

im suffering an intense bout of jealousy right now, as nearly everyone's done.

but, as my roommate has pointed out, once I leave, I am never coming back.

so why be sad?

other friends who are out in the real world right now have pointed out to me--occasionally in words of one syllable--that the real world is dark, dreary, depressing. that school is better. infinitely.

i don't know, for my part, what is true and what isn't. maybe it depends on the person, maybe I'd enjoy real life more.

but whose to say?

i just saw gossip girl episode 6, and lily stresses that people go to college to find themselves.

i wonder how true something like that can be.

im milliseconds away from finishing college, and i still don't know who i want to be.

it was so much easier when we were all in kinder, and all we had to do was draw on a piece of paper who were supposed to be in ten years.

after all, drawings can always get erased.

an open, open letter

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i've been reading fanfiction--in between editing thesis and re-reading parts of love, stargirl.

and i have now come to the conclusion that i desperately need to get this OUT of my system, before i explode, or maybe hit another person who succeeds in even marginally reminding me of you in one of your less than amazing moments.

so here goes: i'm taking a leaf out of stargirl's book, and writing a letter to you, the one person who was able to effectively shatter my heart.i have yet to congratulate you for doing that, you know. out of everyone, you were the only one who was able to leave an amazingly lasting impression on it.

first up, i'm sorry. that letter, that card, all that was in it---it was all out of line. i should never have sent it, should never have given it to you. my feelings for you, as it had been then, and still now, are my sole problem.

so you were cute and kind and funny and you knew who jane austen was. it wasn't like you did that to make me fall in love with you. that was just you.

second, for all the stalkerazzi attempts all over the years that we have had this wide, wide gap between us, i...i guess i partly apologize. i should have known that the closure i hoped to get from you was already happening.

i guess i just never realized, after all we had (as friends, get your mind out!) that maybe you would atleast talk to me.

thirdly, that birthday greeting. what the?!?

and lastly (for now, im writing this while feeling all on the brink, so you know. scattered thoughts here and there) yes, he is cute. but we are just friends, just like i've been just friends with every guy in my life who isn't you.

i know i'm pathetic, i fully recognize and see that now.

and i'm taking all the necessary steps that i can to get back to my non-pathetic status. it's just going to be taking a while what with everyone having love lives and stuff.

but trust me---your ridiculous new nickname, the distance between us, and even her--they all give me enough ammunition to keep fighting to get away from this ever evil web of us.

do i make sense, n?

i know, deep in my heart, that at this moment in time, i truly DON'T want to be with you.

it's just that i don't understand who i am without my rather creepy,though at times cute, and sporadic obsession over you.

i don't know who i am if i'm not "pining" over you.

so i have to ask you this: who do you become if you lose the one person who helped you shape your future?

is there even a me, when there is so obviously not an us anymore?

pathetic, i know.

but hey.

this amazingly pathetic thing we have between us is the main reason i hesitate to watch the first full show.

i give up.

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Doesn’t last?

What erriol (fanfic is baad. very very bad) said is true.

It really doesn’t matter if love doesn’t last, if tomorrow the person you waited forever for suddenly leaves.

You had that moment.

And to all the boys (and girls, but really, were talking about love right now so it's fine) in my life that I gave moments to--and received moments from, I thank them.

And to the one boy, to the one person who is still capable of making me feel a billion ways all at once, I love you still.

I don’t know why, I'll be damned if I try to measure or validate what I feel for you.

My feelings are not the methodology section of a research paper.

All I know right now, is that you still make my heart skip a beat, even after you've shattered it.

I am so endlessly hopeless.

i hate you.

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sid left today.
ins went last week.
dheng is already working,
momy is doing volunteer stuff.

it seems everyone is going places and things, and all i seem to be doing
is wishing them well.

why is it that when i think of my future, it always involves that three and a half-year old conversation about marine biologists, lawyers, and never giving up?

i hate you.

why shouldn't i, anyway?

you seem to have moved on to better things, you seem to have even turned it all around for yourself, while i'm still stuck here, remembering you, missing us...

it seems a hell of a lot more than just highly unfair, don't you think?


you're a little intelligent. you should know...i don't know!

you should know better than to leave me hanging!

i went first, but did you have to follow through so decidedly?

what is with you?

i wish i could knock some sense into that thing you have for a head.

or have you knock some sense into me.

i can't do this anymore.

help me.

help me now.

the final last.

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my head, my legs, my voicebox hurts.

but this kind of hurt feels great.

i just came from my last Sday with CRS...as a resident member.

somehow, all things last just bring me to a private, teary/slightly weepy me.

when i was standing there, yelling and lecturing and insulting (oh, to be a CRS mem!) apps, i was feeling clear headed and solid.

there was a goal, and i had to help get the apps there.

and then, suddenly, it was over.

they were mems, and the focus was on us, and i just felt...sad.

i know i haven't been the greatest CRSoccer this semester. if anything, all my orgs (yes, there is no hierarchy even in that haha) have suffered equal difficulties with me because of my rather apathetic self this sem.

so i really didn't feel that i had the right to give a message on what it means to be a part of a rockin' org like UP CRS.

but still.

right now, sitting here, typing and i just...

i feel it now, more than ever.

today was the first of the many hard goodbyes i will have to make,as i wind the days to october down.

so, now, to all commressoccers, alumni and members, who have made my CRES life all the fascinating shades it has had:

***i say thank you. for opening doors, for blasting open windows, and even creating ones out of nothing.

***for my EAfamily, to all the events, WOW! you guys showed me the real meaning of the words, 'when there's a will, there's a way...and when you're in CRS, you create a way.' haha

***for EXE0809, to a fab year, and to the year it is giving me now, loads of applause. yun na yun eh. haha.

***to my buddy pam (special mention talaga, ganon na eh), for the encouragement, for the tips, for showing me the mems' photos....thank you. you made my app process a lot less difficult.

and ofcourse, to my 06A batchmates. it was nice spending today with you. though we're missing a zara-clad polar bear, im sure he's bouncing along with us, every step of the way.

i will miss all of you, and will try my best to become moderately successful enough to be someone you will contact in pursuit of solicitations.



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She was
flying, swerving, leaping
through the mess of the night, most of which was still
before her, was
walking, bumping, staying
in the calm of the day, most of which was still