whining OUT

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That is basically all I have been doing this past few days. I have been having several, 'Are you for serious?' moments, moments where I feel like I am literally going to go crazy, what with everything that has been going wrong lately. I kind of feel like a Korean drama heroine, minus the hot men fighting over me, as well as the eventual happy ending, and weird clothes. (So, basically, it's a Korean drama with no good parts.)

I am such a thundercloud that I am afraid to be around people: I did my best to get out of several social activities I had planned. I am just not in the right frame of mind to deal with people, I'm afraid. I mean, we might be all hanging out somewhere and I will become crazy, or some such thing.

So, this week has been work-home-work-home. Well, except for Tuesday, which was when my friends dragged me to dinner. I had no choice, they would hound me till I gave in. (Mostly, that made me realize that there are still people who would rather kill me in person rather than ignore me, so thanks, guys.)

Aside from that, I got out of everything else.

So this Wednesday's evening commute was usual: jeep-bus-jeep-trike...usually, I am home by 7pm. I had to be home by that time, because it was the Britney/Brittany episode, and I'm a huge fan of both. (Here's to hoping they did Radar!)

Which was why, of course, I found myself in the middle of the South Luzon Expressway (the SLEX), stranded because the jeepney I was on, had a flat tire. At first, I didn't really mind it: the driver said he only needed five minutes and we would be on the way, there was some interesting people on the jeep, so I could spend the stranded time observing them. Also, I have never been out on SLEX before. Still, my ever paranoid parents have a few rules if we ever found ourselves stranded in the middle of nowhere (they're really, really paranoid).

Rules to follow when stranded in the middle of nowhere:

1. Never be stranded alone. Meaning, never ride a public utility vehicle alone. (Also known as the never trust cabs rule)
2. Stick with the group.
3.Determine how real the problem is. If it looks like you are being faked out by the driver, convince the group to run and hide from him/her/them.
4. If the problem looks real enough, stay with the group. This does not mean engaging in unnecessary socializing, so:
5. Don't talk to strangers. If you must, answer the person with smiles or okays.
6. No wandering around, no matter how near you think you are to the group. They are strangers, they will not save you when you get lost!
7. No touching things. no walking on uneven ground. There is no need to start tripping all over the place.
8. No helping out the driver, especially you (they mean me and my klutziness), because you will ruin it and you will be stranded for real if they get annoyed with you.

So, as you may probably have guessed, these rules are more for me than they are for my brother, who somehow manages to whiz past every roadblock in his life. (I want to say that's genetics, but it so is not.)

Back to the stranded thing, I was doing okay, following my parents' rules and genially smiling at the complaining people while taking photos. This is how cars look as they go past you on the SLEX at night:

As you can see, my photographfeeler skills have been enhanced by the night.

No matter, I was still okay. I could deal because I used my favorite past time: the 'could be worse' scenarios game. Could be worse is a game I have with myself, that started in elementary, when I realized I had the crazy, cursed ability to trip on anything, destroy equipment with curiousity, and generally just embarass myself in public.

I think my first could be worse was when I accidentally destroyed my seatmate's diorama in Kinder One. She had made a scene from the Little Mermaid, and I managed to step on Ariel, thereby destroying her diorama's focal point. I think it was; 'Could be worse, I could have destroyed the whole diorama! Atleast, I just destroyed the middle of it!' The incident rather brought us closer together, because we (meaning me, while she watched) had to redo the diorama. Sigh.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I was stranded!

For my stranded self, the could be worse was: Could be worse, it could be raining. And what do you know?

It started to rain.

I wanted to start in with another could be worse, but I did not want to be held responsible for anything else.

Thankfully, I had my umbrella at ready, and one by one, my fellow passengers and I formed multi-colored umbrella clumps in our little edge of SLEX. It was even slightly fun, standing there, twirling the umbrella around while I genially smiled at people.

Finally, after fifteen or so more minutes, we were on the way to our homes.

And it made me realize what I think I've forgotten, in the whole kerfuffle of worry and dread this Monday has brought me.
I keep losing sight of all that I have, and it takes things like a combination of could be worse-ssss to make me realize, that it could be worse.

I mean, not just could be worse in the game sense of it, it could definitely be worse, if I did not start shaping up and living soon. See, I have my own rules to live by for problems that I feel I will never get past:

Rules for Things I am Afraid I will Never Get Past:

1. Prayer.
2. Work.
3. Smiles.
4. Work harder.
5. Seek support.
6. Give thanks.

And now, I realize I never lost any of the components for these rules: God is always there for me. I love my job. I still smile, though in self-deprecation, at times. And there are still people who are willing to put up with my crazy, even as they yell at me to get it together. All of these things are things that I should be thankful for, definitely.

So now, having found myself stranded on this particular problem, I know that I will just have to apply my 6 rules to the Monday Problem.

And hopefully, with enough strength of will, a good dose of friends and prayer, I will get to the part where it will be more than just thanks, it will be a celebration.

I may not have the Korean drama storyline in place, but I can do my best to embody the cheerful, hard working protagonist of those movies, and get to my own happy middle. (No endings, not yet.)

this quiz is AWESOME.

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Having read several recaps and whatnot about the awesome premiere of Chuck, the most awesome show ON EARTH, I found this great quiz, and it insists that I am most like Sarah Walker:

Which, Awesome.

Although, you know, I kind of want to be John Casey.


so, Glee is back.

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Along with Gossip Girl and How I Met Your Mother, it is the highlight of ETC's match airing schedule. Match airing is this thing that ETC does, where it airs the new episodes of shows at the same time as their airing in the US, because...that is apparently important, in some way. I guess it does make me happy to know I am watching Glee at the same time as US Tivos. (?)

Chuck, the best show on Earth since they cancelled The Class (also possibly even if The Class was still on the air, because Chuck is really awesome, period) is also back for Season 4, but since the evil people on Philippine TV are stupid, it is not match airing, or airing, in any capacity anywhere. We still have season 3 on Channel 9, but ugh. Till I get decent Internet access at home, I am reduced to TwOP summaries. (Seriously, why is no one showing Chuck? Don't people see what an awesome show it is? Is everyone just that...lame?)

Also, there are a lot of commercials on ETC. This is the first time I've seen commercials that are not about Pond's or parties on this channel. Hmm.And their cuts between commercials and the show, so not good. Someone should work on that.

Anyway, so GLEE. I love Glee. I have decided, after intense rumination in between all the books and manga and other shows that I have inhaled, that I shouldn't commit Glee to an actual story, ever. I mean, look at Popular (Ryan Murphy's pre-Glee high school set drama). That show did not make sense, and I still enjoyed it. So, even when Glee stops making sense, I will enjoy it.

Tonight's ep was titled Audition. Basically because Matt, the other non-speaking, non-singing member of New Directions, has transferred schools and they are now short one member. Unfortunately, opening sequences from the viewpoint of Jacob the incredibly creepy vlogger dude show that the Glee kids are still losers. There is an awesome quote on summer from Brittany right there:

"I know I told people I went on vacation, but I spent the summer lost in the sewers."

Another summer highlight is the apparent blossoming of romance between Tina and Mike Chang, the byproduct of Asian camp. I have so many problems with that sentence, but they were all wiped away when I saw Harry Shum Jr. dancing with his jacket open. Nice. Very nice. I always thought Mark Salling had the nicest abs in this group, but now that I see what dancing has given him...nice. Oh, and Tina agrees with me: this is the reason why she broke things off with Artie, who was in a Halo-induced haze throughout the summer.

And that was when it really hit me: this show IS back. Anyway, to get people to audition, the kids decide to perform Empire State of Mind in some place that is apparently their school's outdoor courtyard. Or something, I've never seen it before. Great cover,(And on that note, can't Alicia Keys be on this show? I mean, they could make her some new teacher, or student, I wouldn't care. She's hot enough to be either. I want more Alicia Keys.) Finn and Rachel spy some people tapping along to their songs and go after them.

Finn goes after new guy Chord Overstreet, whose name on this show I forgot, and convinces him to sing Billionaire for them. Pretty great voice, but it is possibly also an effect of him singing this song, which I really, really adore. His life is basically Finn's, anyway. Jock with voice, scared of being accused of dorkiness, yadda yadda. Rachel goes after Charice and after a rousing number of Telephone, gets so scared that the girl may get a quarter of her spotlight, that she sends her to a crackhouse. I am not even kidding. Still, the Asian community works its magic (and Harry Shum Jr gets his second speaking line!) and Charice gets to sing Listen (Is it me, or is Charice incredibly handsy?!? Stop that, girlie.) to an appreciative club, with an increasingly agit Rachel. But, snaps and swizzles, Charice decides to hop on over to Jesse and the Adrenalines, because they give her a green card, and an apartment. Word. (UAAP, your activities transcend cultures.) With Chord flaking cause he's basically Finn from Season 1, episodes 1 to 5, the club is still one member too short for New York Nationals. (Even though, I just need to point out, weren't they already not going to Nationals? Because they lost to Jesse! Can we bring Jesse back? Please!)


Artie, heartbroken after Tina ditches him for Mike's abs err for Mike, wants to get on the football team to get abs, and this is such a scarringly stupid plot that I will leave it at that. Oh and Finn gets kicked off the team because of it.
There is also the Santana gets a boob job plot, which I surmise is Ryan Murphy's way of addressing that whole Charice gets Botox thing. She basically gets demoted for it, and the main message is: why get a boob job now? You aren't even sure how large you're gonna be! Oh, and that boob jobs are so not Cheerios head captain material. But whatevs, thanks for that message. We also get a throwdown between Quinn and Santana, which is awesome, this is the first time you see Diana Agron raising her voice. See, she is more than pretty!
Oh, and also a subplot with the new coach Ms. Beist (it's French!), who Will and Sue try to bring down because she gets more money than they do. The pranks are rather idiotic, for Sue. Except the last one, where she makes Brittany accuse the coach of rape, that was scary. Also uncalled for.

It ends with Rachel and Finn daring one another to break up already. Except, as Finn lovingly points out, he doesn't need to break up with Rachel, because he is a loser now. That was so touching. The final song, What i did for love, is all Rachel as she attempts to sell the notion that she really did gleeblock Charice for the team. I love Lea Michelle. Seriously, she is awesome at selling Rachel's insecurities and such.

All in all, an awesome comeback for Glee. I loved Telephone and Empire State of Mind. And Jane Lynch, as awesome as ever. I missed you so much.

Next week, it's the Britney episode! Here's hoping there's a showdown between Britney and Brittany, over words and songs. Imagining Britney y'all-ing all over the place, is just so great. Sigh.

rock and pop are not the same

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Well, check it out, my last entry was pure bitterness. Please, if you could just skip it and head on up to this one, which, I promise, is going to be more sunshine and light. Ish.

So, I watched Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam this weekend. I just want to emphasize, before we go any further, that I liked it. I liked it, I enjoyed it. It was fun, the OST is on my Zen.

Um. um. But um. It was surprisingly fun, for a sequel. Disney has this horrible trait of making sequels suck, possibly in hopes that you will be so annoyed and hope that they make up for it in the third movie. (Which, is very George Lucas of you, Disney. Only, it doesn't work so well when there are no aliens and battleships blowing up.) Anyway, that rarely works on me: High School Musical 2 was the reason I never saw the third one. That, and the first few minutes of the trailer for HSM3: Seriously? That bleachers scene, where Vanessa Hudgens gets spotlighted and starts singing....ugh.

So anyways! Highlights of Camp Rock 2: Nick Jonas, Demi Lovato's footwear, those sweet children who also seemed to be their AV Club, the woman who plays Demi Lovato's mother (I love her, I'm trying to search for her name) and all the scenes where they were basically just showing scenery. Because those scenes were making me wonder, what kind of a lake/summer whatever place can have all the rustic pleasure (Camp Rock) on one side and have all the amenities of a hideous looking spa (Camp Star) in the other? It's like being in the boundary area between Malaban and Sta. Rosa! Or thereabouts, I'm not really sure if there is a boundary area or I just have this thing that's full of dreams when I commute.

Lowlights (haha): the liberty taken with the stories from the first Camp Rock, the Jonas Brothers think they're rock stars (and everyone lets them think it!!!), the weird lip synching that goes on, and mostly the fact that it was all Demi Lovato, all the time.

Spoilers, here we go!

The movie opens with Demi Lovato and Maria Canais-Barrera (The mother! I love her, mostly because she is also David Henrie's mother in that Wizards thing. And as much also because I want her career milestones to rub off on DH in some way, instead of letting himself go all Dlist with the fighting and resting his laurels on being the son in HIMYM, which FYI, is NOT a real gig. They are basically using steady shots from the first season, for the most part. And now you know that I stalk David Henrie. Whoops.)

Oh, gosh, where was I? Oh yeah, so let's switch to movie names now. Mitchie and her mom are on the road, driving to Camp Rock, everyone is so excited, and also texty, because she apparently has been digitally seeing Shane (Joe Jonas) for a year. Anyway, they arrive at camp, and more squealing ensues, and omygosh, Demi Lovato is wearing the cutest yellow pumps ever. Also, everyone seems to have gone to the same salon for perms. (Except for Tess, who is still straight haired and insecure. Oops, did I say that?) They enter their cabin, and everyone gets all happy updates from each other, but the important part is, what is going on with Mitchie and Shane? Mitchie stutters around some about liking him (And you know, Demi Lovato is really good at selling this, considering Joe Jonas has just dumped her. I would have done my best to try to snark it up. Or were they still together when this was filmed?)

This leads to a cut to the Jonas Brothers, whose bus is either stuck or has a flat. Shane seems to be trying to fix it, because he is incredibly motivated. For Mitchie. After a few talkies, the Jonas Brothers perform their first and possibly only piece of rock star assery: they sink their bus. Then, it sinks in that they actually did not mean to do it, and that they care about the bus way too much, and they downgrade back to popstars.

Back at Camp, we are in the middle of the first song, and Demi Lovato is now wearing cute flats. Because what do you know, there is dancing now. And I have to say, this dancing thing has improved. In the first movie, during This Is Me, Demi Lovato was so...not okay looking with the outfit and the hand gestures and the smile. Now, thanks to the practice, and maybe the heartbreak? She is okay with the dancing. They all are, it's nice to watch.

Somehow, they get to their stage thing and the Jonas Brothers arrive, and everyone is all smiles. Then, they get attacked! By raining marshmallows! It is their first official visit to Camp Star, the rival camp which is managed by the rival of their camp. Something. Basically, they have history.

They then head to campfire in the rival camp. which is apparently like a luxury resort, which, funny, could have fooled me, because it is way too Prison Break looking for me. I mean, as Claire Danes would say, for serious? If this is Disney's idea of a luxury resort, I feel like there is no need to visit Disneyland now. It may just disappoint me.

Some Camp Rockers get awed by the overall coolness Camp Star seems to exude (and also their money) and boom, camp switch! Tess is one of those who make the switch, and she becomes the Nelly Furtado to the film's Timbaland. Only less soul funk and more pop preppy. And you know, weird outfits.

The rest of the movie is spent preparing for Camp Wars: Only One Will Survive! Which is this sing/dance off between the two camps, with the rules from American Idol. And to that, can I please just say, get over yourselves, y'all! It's summer camp! Although props to Disney for this whole Auto Tune vs. Indie theme. I mean, although it seems to be just a tad pot-kettle-black. Disney, providing a lecture on how music should be original and not rely on packaging and what works? Ha.

But Still. I enjoyed the Camp Star numbers, it was Taio Cruz (and I adore Taio Cruz) meets Timbaland, only not exactly, because I couldn't remember it afterwards. (Why listen to this, when I can listen to the real TC?)

What I did not enjoy the most is that everyone seems to have had a seriously warped remembrance of the last time they were at camp. Seriously, they seem to have forgotten what happened last summer! I mean, Mitchie and Shane are their strongest singers? Does anyone not remember that Maggie (who I adore, she is on that Nick show that I sometimes like) won the challenge? And that Shane is not even technically a camper? Though to be fair, the characters were given a fair shake, somewhat, because they were fairly seen. I guess. I just don't understand why everyone was always back up to Demi Lovato, it did not seem fair.

Let's go to some of the highlights: Nick Jonas. His song, Introducing Me, is the only one I like. I mean, all of them are great, but this song is the only one that earwormed its way to my heart. Although, he had a weird vibe with the girl, he seemed cuter with this movie's Kelsi, the dance chick? I think it's Alyson Stoner, although I am not sure.
Or maybe I just did not like the girl he was paired with, because the whole sub plot was weird: She hits him with her bracelet (what was he, right in front of you? NOT.) and then they spend time spying on one another over the lake, and then they skirmish. But honestly! You don't suddenly just demand a list of random facts about a person. It's called dating, not Trivial Pursuit of Nick Jonas. (I mean, how would you break up? Do you submit a random list of bad habits that could be deal breakers and then just poof out?) Dating is in walks and texting and meals shared. And let the Romeo and Juliet angle go, because it's called a mobile phone.
Anyway, although it wasn't a very well-developed side story, he sold it well. And damn, can he sing! He's so cute! It's like, Aaron Carter in his prime awwww cute.

Demi Lovato. I know I complain that it just seems to be too much her in this one, but I can't be too hard on her: it is hard to be Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron and Ashley Tisdale all by yourself. Seriously, Joe Jonas was in about a third of the scenes, most of his activities were offscreen. They should have at least given him some other stuff to do instead of being all whiny as a boyfriend. And well, I like Demi Lovato. And her shoes, were awesome. Their pairing is great, because vocally, they are compatible. It was so difficult to listen to HSM because Zac Efron just couldn't match Vanessa Hudgens vocally: they were in different ranges.

The woman who plays her mother was great comic relief. For the most part, the humor-ish scenes were her and the other Jonas brother (the married one? Kevin, I think.) and the children! So cute, I love how they were played.


Really, my chief complaint, is that the Jonas Brothers think they are actually rock stars. I mean, what? When I think rock star, I think The Killers, White Stripes, Incubus, Kjwan, 30secondstoMars, Save Ferris...this list goes on for a good while, but my point is, THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE NOT ROCK STARS. (The only thing remotely rock star about them is the frequency and hotness of the women Joe Jonas manages to date. I mean! Taylor Swift, Camilla Belle...rawr.)

They are pop stars. Stop it with this whole "we can all be rock stars" attitude, because one of the most appealing things about rock stars is the fact that we cannot all be rock stars. It is such a misleading message to send to children! And also, WRONG!

I don't really want to get into the lip synching thing much, because I get it, it's hard to learn that. Zac Efron is the only one amazing at it, and he had to be, he couldn't sing.

Overall, it was a great follow up. Could've been better storywise (my main wish was to see a more improved Tess and Maggie, but oh well), but the songs were catchy, it had great shoes, and everyone was all cute, that I am certainly watching the next one.

lapses and stings

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I will now admit it hurts. Really, really badly. It's the same kind of hurt as the ones plaguing my officemates right now, after getting the H1N1 vaccine. (I wasn't allowed to get it, because I had allergies.) At first, you get the prick, and it's all, okay, ouch and then it's over. Then, a few days later, you realize, it still hurts.

And it isn't the regular, stinging, ouch, a thousand ants type of hurt, it's the arm-numbing, aftermath of pins and needles kind of hurt, the kind of hurt that just doesn't seem to be going away, even when you take Ibuprofen (which, just to be all linear, I am also allergic too.)

I honestly thought that we would be okay. There was a definitely more than just small part of me who thought once you had accepted me and sent me that jokey message, that we were good. That we could get to friends again.

I thought, finally, at least, at last, one birthday wish is coming true! I get to be okay with one of the people I thought I'd lost forever.

Only, you crashed that party. Hard.

And you know what makes this whole thing so much harder to take? We're fighting. And not only that, we're fighting over something I know nothing about, something that happened five years ago.

That's right: what irks the most for me is the fact that I have no concrete idea why you hate me so much.

What did I ever do to deserve such treatment from you? More than that, what did I ever do to deserve such treatment on my birthday?

I can't even credit you with not knowing it was my birthday, because it kept popping up in our window.

How can you hate me so much? I just don't understand it.

You know, this birthday is one of the worst I've ever had. Honestly, it is right up there with the birthdays my parents forgot.

And it wasn't a bad birthday because I was working, it wasn't because I wasn't able to celebrate, it isn't even because not a lot of people seemed to remember.

I can take that: I love my job, and most of the people who I love were there for me. I don't need fancy celebrations.

My birthday was awful, because of you.

It was because I was taken to task for something that I honestly still don't know about, and right now, honestly can't care about.

It was because you actually had it in you to be so spiteful and mean, on the one day when people should at the very least have done their best to not make me anything but happy.

So, thank you, for the honesty.

Thank you for being gracious enough to open me up to a whole new spectrum of human types, and human emotions.

I obviously will never know what this whole five year grudge has been all about, but I am so past that now.

You are not a person I want to be friends with, ever.

All weekend, you had me thinking I was the mean and hateful one. Surely, I must be an awful person. After all, you seem to hate me enough to ruin everything you can. What if, after all this time, I am really just that? I'm purely evil?
I know I'm shallow, and most of the time, I like to go my own way in everything. I know that I am incredibly choosy with those who get too close, and the ones that stay close.

But the one thing I have always been certain about is that I would never ever jeopardize my relationships with people I love.

And I know, deep in my heart, I would never have done anything to willingly hurt you.

Just this morning, my officemates were all smiles and ache free, because the vaccine shots pain was done.

Someday, sometime soon, I promise you, I am going to be okay. I will look back on this memory, with the airy, easy way the mind has, and see it for what it is.

A lesson on people, on friendship, and on life in the real world.


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I just had my first project presentation experience, for my second NCP project.

And it was EPIC.

The project was a qualitative study on the efficacy of a food supplement product. We were presenting preliminary results, at the funding agency office. I did part of the analysis work, so I was part of the team to come to the presentation. I think it was called a collaborative meet, because we had representatives from different agencies there, to comment and stuff.

I mostly observed and took notes, and ate (they served pastries!) but it was a great experience.

I never got to attend a presentation when I was at my former job, because those are for the senior researchers, so I can't compare if there is any difference in how market research and social research is presented, but still!

And yes, I was running on virtually no sleep because I still had to finish everything the night before, and i haven't really celebrated my birthday, like at all, but still!


At a meeting with people who worked for organizations that I hope to one day get a chance to work with!

I'm still not sure if I'm okay with basically not having had a birthday thing (Kwannie says I'm kind of pathetic, haha) but I'm certain I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on what I learned today, and the stuff I realize I still have to learn.

When we were all winding down after the presentation, discussing stuff, there was this sort of 'click' moment for me, like, aha! This is something I really want, something I truly hope to do.

I guess it is true, what they say.

Sometimes, it only takes one fulfilling job well done clap, to make all the hard work of the past few days, go away.

I feel sufficiently inspired and bouncy enough to attempt my next few lit reviews and field reqs and finishing touches on stuff.

I have a long way to go, but the point is, I'm going.

And that is an awesome birthday gift, when you think about it.

birthday bburps!

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I have a bazillion things to do, but I just neeeeeeed to destress.

This was supposed to be a post about things I wanted on my birthday, but since it is already my birthday, it seems kinda moot.

But, at the same time, well, it is my birthday. It is basically license to go on an on about myself.

Most of this will make zero sense, but for my birthday, I hope for!

1. Personal Greetings. I know, Facebook is easy, and well, cute, but sometimes, I hope that people who have access can text me or call me (haha feeler) to greet me. Sometimes, I am like Tinkerbell, only I need acknowledgement, not applause, to get through the day.

2. Happiness for those I love, and well, everyone in general. There are a lot of people who I want to stay happy and healthy, and I hope that today, they get closer to that, even for just a teeny tiny bit.

3. Forgiveness. I've been trying to mend fences for a while now, and hopefully, I am reaching a point where the persons I have hurt will come to forgive me for the things I did to them. I wasn't always (ever?) as mature as I am right now (ehem) and I sincerely hope that I can turn a new leaf for these people, and the relationships, I wish to keep.

4. My music player! I need you back, Philips! At the very least, I hope someone is taking good care of it. (I have to believe in the good, because I don't want to imagine anything awful. I can't.) Or, you can get me a Zen Creative. I'm totally not picky. haha.

5. Surprises! Most of my favorite birthday memories involve a surprise greeting card, and my birthday blowout from my Sampa roommates. A lot of the time, it really makes me feel awesomely special when people go out of their way to make me happy.

6. Chokiss' carrot cake. Hello, there is no need to explain this. It's me!

7. New shoes. I am going to take Tsukushi's (of Hana Yori Dango fame) idea to heart:great shoes take you to great places. And there was this awesome pair of shoes in Chesca, that have my name on them. Sigh. Isn't being a girl great?

8. Scott Pilgrim to show in the Philippines. My goodness, I know, it was not a worldwide success, it was a flop for some, but...I need me some Michael Cera love! Also, the trailers are so cute.

9. Movie buddies. I miss being able to just talk someone into seeing a movie with me, with no prior planning involved. Here's to hoping for that this coming year!

10. A happy crush. My current location doesn't allow for a lot of cutesy people watching, and I miss having something to randomly smile about. I hope I get a happy crush soon.

11. To see everyone: the Mega friends, the Officemates, the blocmates, the orgmates, my Sampa sisters. I want to pinch and squeal and just catch up on everybody's lives.

12. Gelato. Froyo. Cakes. Cupcakes. Cookies. Something sweet, tonight! I'd like to try a new sweets place or something, to reward myself for the difficulty that is this week.

13. Patience. I want everything too much, too soon. I hope I learn to pace myself, and remember to smell and experience everything along the way.

14. A better government. Come on. There are far too many scapegoats, and issues, and even the possibility of media regulation...I honestly hope that our president realizes he can't please everyone (and that he doesn't have to keep explaining and refuting and whining to the press about every single decision) and just get to it.

15. Awareness and a better fight for the RH bill. Surely the number of babies being left in random places is enough of a wake up call. We have to act, and act properly. Lives are at stake.

16. BOOKS. Last year, I received a ton of books from people. It's going to be difficult to get me a book this year, because, well, what if I have it already? To aid you, I have prepared the books I am longing for: Superfreakonomics, the Wicked Lovely series, the Thirteenth Tale, any of JK Rowlings' inspired by Hogwarts books, and that 1001 books to read before you die book.

17. For me to be better at my job. Everyone has been really patient with me, and has done their best to help me adjust to the nutrition stuff, but I really hope that it works out. I have a ton of new software and other stuff to learn, so here goes!

18. Less, possibly no typhoons. Please.

19. A better year, for everyone in the world.

20. For atleast three of the stuff on this list to come true? :)

Sigh. It is now 7:30, and reality chimes true.

Back to analysis!

i'm so,so,so sorry.

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*sad,sad,sad mode*

this was supposed to be a weekend of awesome: i finally f21'd myself, i got to visit the mega a's, and i managed to get to friday's and meet up with some blocmates. the next day, my mom and i went crazy shopping. (possibly, this was my fault, i was not in a happy joy joy mood, because of some skirmish thingie)

then, we met up with my brother, who lectured me on my first sin of that weekend, but whatevs, it was all good. (in case you care, i somehow managed to blow up the tv in my parents' room. i don't know how it happened, it wasn't like i WANTED it to happen. i was just trying to turn the television off, and boom. thankfully, it was a small boom. i feel bad about that and want to moan about it, but right now, i so fully can't.)

until i got home.

and i realized, my red Philips recorder was missing.

i always bring it with me, wherever i go, because, well, you never know when something annoying will happen and you will need headphones to get through whatever it is,because music is the one automatic thing that makes me feel better.

only this time, because i had that small handbag thing, i didn't put my recorder in a proper case.

and now it's gone and i want to hit myself and take back today, even if it means taking back everything i got, which, for me, is pretty serious.

i just.

i have had that recorder for six years.

six years!

that's like, enough time for a meaningful life change, an adequate and ultimately life-upping nutrition intervention, and also, for a relationship to end in marriage.

it's a long time, period.

i can't believe i lost my recorder. i can't believe i lost my recorder, but managed to save my headphones.

i want to kill myself for being so clumsy and stupid.

i fully hate myself.


that recorder was with me through a lot of academic difficulties: it was with me through 115, 165, all the other subjects. it was with me through thesis. more than that, i bought that recorder from money i made while part-timing research. it is the first thing that i've bought with money i fully earned on my own.

and that recorder was my buffer against the world: whenever i wanted to pod person myself, i just put headphones on, listen to anything and feel at peace. it helped me imagine life was a musical, because i did that piattos commercial trick, only with my music.

that recorder was with me through emo bus rides, long trips with annoying people, and as an alternate flashdrive back when all i had was the 128mb.

that recorder was my soulmate in tech devices.

and i lost it.

please come back to me, please.

the many ways to partying

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Sometime this week, a blocmate of mine who is working for a media agency and I got to chatting, and she told me about a party she went to, where she got to touch Coco Martin. A few days after, a friend of mine also told me about this movie premiere they went to, where they got free tickets to see Going the Distance, the new Justin Long movie (or is it the new Drew Barrymore? I kinda like Justin Long more now, because the fantasy that a midget-sized version of him is inside my Mac, is the only reason why I haven't whacked it over with anything yet.) My cousin is also living it up, with discounts and freebies galore.

And then, there's me.

I am basically alone here, with choco milk and soya cookie freebies.

I'm the only one without a semi-glamourous job, a job whose hours have me home at six in the evening, thereby nixing any chance of me being part of the dinner and drinks crowd with my Makati friends. I mean, I miss out on a lot: the Mega A's have had that videoke thing, and I wasn't there, I saw Inception alone, I have to actually plan in advance if I want to see people...my last semi-social outing was with Coeli, to edit Nutrikid!

I have to say it, there are moments where I really doubt myself.

Have I done the right thing, choosing this, instead of all the fun that everyone else seems to be having?

I feel like a loser, and it's something I'm not comfy with.

Sure, I wasn't exactly a party girl in college. I had my moments (I think?haha) but most of the time, I did stuff with people I really liked and enjoyed, and it was more, movies, dinner and whatnot to places. There was also a lot of fun go outs at the dorm, and well, I felt really just there, in the moment, happy.

And I don't feel that right now.

I just...I don't know.

But then, there are always things that balance it out.

I would also just like to say I'm not knocking the professions of my friends: I happen to know that it takes hard work to get to the part where you party. That's possibly a big reason why I feel sad that I'm not part of it, because I miss planning events and yelling at people over crazy ideas. The real reason, I think, is that I miss the crazy friends who are now working in those media orgs and MR firms and such.

But a large part of me knows, it isn't for me.

I just have to clear it up: I love this job. I love it, love it, love it.

Being able to engage in the kind of research that helps people is the awesomest gig in the world for me.

And I'm totally not really alone: the people here are fun and excellent, as our Pampanga photos (if I ever get to post/write about them) will show. I know that meeting people from different backgrounds and areas is doing more for me, because I feel myself becoming the less spoiled, annoying me.

As Dheng says, starting bottom is always good. Den has also always been there to remind me of The Dream. And another friend of mine did sum it up best: "cheers to socially-meaningful work!".

Remembering what I have given up/put on hold/destroyed over this also helps:I have to do this, for my family and their love for me, for my friends, who have always been with me, and who reply to the most inane text messages, even the ones about crazy impending marriages and pregnancies (my goodness, I love you people). I have to make it, if only to show the one person who matters that it is 40% for him. Most of all, I have to make it for myself, because I will quite possibly kill myself if I don't.

And I know that my job, it's not all glam and parties, but then again, I'm not exactly a glam and party girl. I'm more of the girl who cleans that up. Or the one who was there too early and left, because she wasn't sure where the party was. My type of partying involves a good eating place, a comfortable seat and hours of laughter and conversation.

Well, now that I think about it, as I sit here and laugh with the research people, while I work and try out cookies and drinks concocted by the R&D team, as I anticipate another day full of sharing and learning and new experiences, that kind of partying happens right here.

And there is nowhere else I'd rather be.