I think I have it now.

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More than anything, in whatever you do, you have to care about something there.

For it to work, there has to be that drive, that devotion in you. It can be a person, a goal, heck, perhaps even the money.

But there has to be something.

And if there isn't, you have to see that the best thing for you is to move on.

As soon as humanly possible.

Because staying stuck leads to really bad results.
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dispirited, adj.: 

The moment when you feel 
all your inner cheerleaders putting 
down 
their pompoms and walking 
off
the field. 

(David Levithan, The Lovers' Dictionary on Twitter)

This is my first official existential crisis.

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I made a big boo boo at work today, and I'm still reeling from it now.

Part of me can't accept that it happened, the rest of me won't.

Har.

To accept would mean that I'm not as good as I think I am, and that just doesn't bear thinking about.
To not accept it would mean that I'm clearly full of myself, and that also doesn't give me a sunshine and daisies feeling.

I just don't understand how it could have happened, how I could have missed something like that.

I feel slightly like those moments when I'm late for something, when I get this flutter of feelings, all light-headed and panicky, scared that I had missed it all, that I had disrespected someone because I wasn't able to attend to him/her on time.

Except this time, it's more of an I forgot there was even a set meeting, and so this happened.

And I'm not sure what to do about it, how to move on from feeling the Fail of it all. It feels like Math 11 all over again, and that almost destroyed me. I barely recovered from that, I spent my entire summer locked away in the dorm. My family had to drag me home on weekends, I went find-the-x-crazy on them. On some levels, I am still not over that.

The thing is, I don't want to get over this.

To accept this would mean that I'm becoming careless, less me, less Amae.

To accept this would make that flutter become a regular motion, a standard thing, a common practice.

Getting over this would lead to other slip-ups, and I can't, I won't, I never want that again.

I never want to feel this way again.

disambiguate

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V.: Tell me the truth in
      no uncertain terms. 
      Do 
      you
      love  
      me? 


(David Levithan / The Lover's Dictionary on Twitter)

exactly.

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"Hold on. You just said you wanted to love and be loved!"

"Yes. But when it happens, I feel nauseous. It's crazy!"

(Jesse and Celine, Before Sunset)


I hate buses now, thanks to you.

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"Oh Charlie. We accept the love we think we deserve."

(Bill, The Perks of Being A Wallflower)

I cannot quite accept that it happened.

So let's forget it.

Denial always, always works. 
 

Scary Thoughts (Or, how I'm not stressing over business planning because I'm stressing over my Life)

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I had dinner with one of my friends in Maginhawa yesterday. 

As has always been the case when you're with people you've been away from for any period of time, talk turns to all the aspects of life. Although technically, we're only ever interested in One Aspect of Life. The Love Life.

Bemoaning singleness is something I enjoy doing, at times, and with the right people. It can be a bit of a rush, just mouthing off the fact that most guys are jerks, and no one measures up and all that chararat* about being unlovable and unhappy.

The thing of it is, as I told my friend (and she also confirmed about herself), I'm not unhappy. I'm single, and that's fine.

Sure, it gets tiring at times, especially when you want to go to the movies, or out to dinner or to Laser Tag. But then, I'm the type of person who can go it alone. I'm okay with movies alone, new places alone...possibly not Laser Tag alone, I'm not that weird independent. And I have friends. :)

And she was all, 'But see, that's scary. It's scary that you're so happy. You're so used to being alone, that it doesn't matter. And you don't give off want-to-be-in-a-relationship vibes anymore, cause you're happily single.' She also relayed to me this whole theory of one of her friends, who said that people need to un-single-fy themselves, because when they've been single for so long, they forget how to deal with having another person there.

Which, well. Sort of locks into my theory/observation (Okay, musings. Theory seems too grand a word for it. Haha) that people who are in relationships always tend to stay in relationships, while people who are single, tend to stay single. I just notice among my friends that those who've been single for a while tend to meander, and those who just got out of break ups, get into relationships pretty fast. Ofcourse, these are all things I'm unsure about. Still. It's kind of awe-inspiring. :)

So perhaps that's part of the reason why I'm still single: I don't give off relationship vibes? I talked this over with another friend of mine, and her comment was more, but how does one give off relationship vibes???

Which admittedly, is a pretty large flaw of this whole possibility. Short of an 'I'm Actively Wishing for a Relationship kthanksbai' on one's forehead, how are you supposed to tell people you want someone? 

My answer is, I don't know. 

I don't know how you tell people you like them and sincerely want them to come just a teeny bit closer, so you can see if they like the same music, or want to go on a sushi hunt, or an ice cream run. I don't know how to stop being everyone's friend. (Oops, thoughts for another day!)

And I'm not certain if there is now a permanent 'Back-Off, Happily Single!' sign on my own forehead, but still.

These are the sort of thoughts that one should get lost in. Especially when in the real world, all I'm dealing with is 2013 Business Planning.
.

*As my friends say. :)
**As I get older, I notice my writing has gotten lazier. The 23-year old me would never have posted this without a proper ending. But here it goes. I think it's knowing that I still know so little that's doing the trick. Which is also not a good thing. Hmmm.

Of fistbumps and burrowers.

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Today is Famealy Day, something I have been aware of for the past few months. On Famealy Day, we are all supposed to go home and eat dinner with our families. Seeing as I don't go home everyday, I was planning on spending today in bed with Charlie* and ice cream.

But Hans and Senior convinced me to go have dinner with them. So I did. Truthfully, I didn't want to. I've been in a sad mood all day, as I worked this weekend, and didn't get to go home. I haven't had any family dinners in a while. And then I watched Brave last night, it made me cry which gave me sniffles. (I've been going through tissues like I go through water bottles. Hee)

Still, I went because I was kinda b*tchy at lunch today. Also because they're very fun and funny, to be around. I have observed that I am only funny-adjacent. Meaning, if I'm with funny people, I'm funny. But when I'm with sad people, I'll be sad...hey maybe I'm emotion-adjacent. I'm...that makes me not normal. Again. Hmm. Another thought to file away for another day.

I was right. :)

The three of us are on our last legs, salary-wise (Thank GOODNESS suweldo na bukas!) so we had to pool our resources to buy hotdog and Sprite. We spent a very intense thirty minutes in 7-Eleven before ducking out and buying hotdogs at that Korean grocery on Rada, heh. We then went to Senior's place and made dinner and talked and watched Cash Cab.

Mostly it was just the usual conversation about rankings, and office stuff, and wondering about the future but still.

It felt...family-esque. Family-adjacent, I guess.

I've always been a bit of a compartmentalizer. I like to put people into slots and label them. Friend. Hair person. Wax lady. Officemate. Brother. Boyfriend (ahahahah). And with the exception of PSRC, which is not much of an exception as most of the people who work there are my schoolmates, I've never really made a lot of effort to get to know people in the office.

Maybe it's because I was always thinking of the next step, of that one year period that I knew was the only promise I could make to whoever was there.

I started out compartmentalizing: I ate at my desk, was polite and quiet.  I've noticed that the pattern you set in your first 2 weeks at any place is the one that the people there will give you, so I thought I could keep mine up.


But Starlink has been different for me in a lot of ways. Mainly that time thing, as I've often said in past posts. But also with the people thing, because they're...they burrowers. I don't know if that's a word.

Somehow, they snuck past my politeness. Not that I was mean, or anything. I laughed when I had to, gave as good as I could with the jokes. I just didn't want to go beyond that. Still, that was never quite enough. Somehow, they managed to burrow in and become my friends, with no qualifiers.

I now have these guys to annoy and confide in, to fight with and make fun with. And though this means that everyone in the office thinks I'm a guy, I'm actually quite okay with that, if it means having people who can fist bump you to laughter, enjoy slightly dirty jokes with, and use for your social experiments. Ehem. I mean observations. :)

Those two don't read this blog, but I don't think they have to.

I'll just fist bump them tomorrow.
 *Charlie is the lead in Perks of Being A Wallflower, the birthday book I got myself. :D

Blessed, for Always.

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The people I love are a constant testament to this quote from one of my favorite YA books:

"It's not true that you're only going to have one person to spend the rest of your life with. If you do well, and you're very, very lucky, there will always be more than one." (Ely, Naomi+Ely's No Kiss List)

Wee. Just got back from birthday dinner with Den+Noy. 

I love birthday dinners.

I would write more, in a proper way more, but sometimes, words just cheapen things. :)

So this is what that feels like.

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That is sort of paraphrased from a scene in Batman: The Dark Knight Rises. It's the scene where Batman and Catwoman just escaped from some evil people* and he's asking her something while he turns his back to her to get something. When he turns back around, she's gone. And then he says: 'So that's what that feels like.' 

Well. In my case, it's more to do with the recent spate of people leaving our office. 

See, I've always been The Leaverbehinder (this is a term from one of my friends, who has used it to describe me, constantly). Since school, I've never stayed beyond a year at any of the places I worked at. 

People always ask me why I do this.

And honestly, the answer to that is, I don't know. I just...it just happens. Life just happens. It used to annoy me when people told me I was way too carefree, that I should act my age, when I was really giving them the honest answer. 

I didn't know. (Mindf*ck side bar: does anyone EVER know?)

I don't exactly go someplace, and say to myself, 'This time next year, I'm gone.' It's never been that way. Someone will ask me something about something, I'll reply and before you know it, it's a whole new adventure.

But now, being on the other side of it, the left behind side, you kind of see, 'Ohhhh.' So that's what they were feeling. 

It's strange. Suddenly, I feel sad, feel weird, feel like I'll never get on without that person/s whose going. I want to snicker and call them out on leaving. And I want to be mad at them, for moving on when I'm standing still.

And I'd like to end this neatly, with a resolution to those feelings. That I wish them all the best, and hope they find what they're looking for. That some part of me hopes with all hope that we'll remain the very best of friends, and by that I mean beyond Facebook. That I really, really want them to be happy.

I'd like to tell you I'm over that, and now, I'm totally happy and whatnot.

But I'm afraid I'm still stuck with feeling what this feels like.

*What? I don't want to be a spoiler. Also, WATCH THE MOVIE.
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"Katsuyama, looking into the eyes of someone 
who will never 
love you back is a 
life of despair.”

(Rie, Gaksital)

denial

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denial, n.: 

When you choose to know less, even when 
you know better


(Twitter feed, David Levithan)

day One: Saigon

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*To Cu Chi tunnels:

C: Omygosh, ano yung mga lugar, ano kaya tawag dyan? Parang lugawan.
A+D: Pho hoa-han

Goodbye, Saigon. I'm already in love with you, which is why I have to leave. :)

project C: day Zero

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I'm not going to blog right now. I'm nawt that industrious. :)

But I would like to document some of our mahadera moments.

Soooooo.

*Luggage check:

A: Wow, C. Ang laki ah.
D: Haha.
C: Okay, guys wag kayo makilagay ah! Walang makikilagay.*


*At the airport, while our flight/plane is boarding:

A: Should we line up?
D: Di pa. Madami pang naka-pila.
C: Oo nga, di ko yan naiintindihan! May reserved seats kaya lahat!
A: Uh....okay.

*After a few moments, line still the same (to me, anyways. :D ):

C+D: Tara na.
A: Pero...marami pa rin naman ah!
C: Di kaya.
D: Sakto na yan, gusto mo ba maiwananan?
A: follows along

*She currently has all of Dheng's bags. :)

Onwards to Phnom Penh in a bit.


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Hi Vacation,

It is so ON.

Love, A.

Realization for the Day: I admit I'm Spoiled but I'm working on It/That/Me.

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"Papa, spoiled po ba ako?
Ofcourse not, Princess! Sino nagsasabi nyan sayo?"

- My father to me, August 2012


My dad was on his way home from Pampanga today, so he stopped by my office to take me to home (sadly, only to the dorm boo my job) and get my other things in preparation for Project C. When I was at PSRC and he was still working in Makati, my dad and I would go home everyday, having dinner and talking about our jobs. Well, I would talk about my job, and I would nod at his job. :) I've missed that, those moments of just us, in the car and Papa Jack (My father finds the problems on that show hilarious. He says it makes him realize how much easier life was when he was young and he found the One immediately.)

Anyways, today was such a stressful day that I was extra extra whiny to certain friends about it, and someone called me a spoiled brat. Which isn't exactly a new insult. That's everyone's favorite label for me, and it never really bothers me because, well, I'm nawt really spoiled at all. Not in the bad sense, anyway.

I think.

But it bothered me enough to ask my father about it anyway, resulting in the conversation above.* And I guess, it is semi-true. I am slightly spoiled. I've always been. I'm blessed with extremely loving parents who have given me everything I ever needed, wanted, thought of, within reason. 

I have an awesome life, period.

And that's why tonight, with this ride home from work with my daddy, all I wanted was to whine and cry and beg to resign from these stupid ideas and life plans and career goals that truthfully make no sense at all at this moment, what with everyone leaving and trying out new things, and me stuck here with nowhere to move.

But I didn't. Partly because I know it would earn me a lecture, mostly because the term 'Princess' is a gentle reminder, nudging me that when it comes right down to it, my parents are always on my side, which sometimes means not being on my literal side in any of my fights with life.

All I'm saying is, I know I'm spoiled and I have a lot of growing up to do, in all aspects of life. And growing up means sticking it out, relying on my inner cheerleader and not being so reactive to everything around me.

I have to do my best because my parents gave me an awesome childhood. I need to give them back an awesome adulthood.

*I can assure you, reader, my father was quite sincere when he said that. My father is one of three men who call me Princess, and it's always been one of my favorite ways to be addressed. Because when done right, it makes me feel happy. hahahahah labooooo.

I keep saying it but really

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I have the absolute best friends in the world, as seen below:

*Project C meeting, talking about plane seats:

A: Early check in tayo, para may seats!
D: Okay, ako na bahala.
C: Gusto ko itabi nyo ako sa gwapo.
A & D (seryosong concerned): Pano namin gagawin yun?

I adore that our first thought whenever one of us says something mildly implausible is to think of a way around it, to make it come true. We don't snicker at the person, or make a joke immediately, we support. 

I was a bit leery about going on this trip with the two of them--what if we fight? More likely, what if I pick a fight? But I know now, that won't happen, because we won't let it. We've taken 'walang basagan ng trip' to heart, and it's going to be like that, forever. 

***Just a little mushiness to get me through weekend work and this week of intense work before our trip, guys. BIG HUG, Coeli+Dheng!

SALTIMBANCYAY!

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I just got back from watching Cirque du Soleil: Saltimbanco.There are no words, honestly. Except maybe WOW. Or, as we used to say, WOW with a capital W.  I have no ways to describe it except happy happy joy joy.* :)
 *See, ALL my words sound so lame.

My parents took us to the circus in Bacolod once, and I remember being awed by all they did there. This was like that, only times infinity. The fact that it was French added quite a bit to my enjoyment, as I realized I could sort of make out/understand some of the words! (This whole break from French lessons has been quite difficult. I miss AFM Saturdays a lot, so I'm glad I still get exposed.)

Most of all, I was so happy cause I got to share the fun with my family!

mama. :)

(feeling) babies


 This coming week is shaping up to be extremely tiring, so I'm really happy to have had this time out.

Thank goodness for the media plannering blessings! :D

Monsoon Rains Relief

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I'm stuck in my room (floods and parent promises) as the monsoon rains rage on, and can't go anywhere, so I can only donate and re-share all I can for the relief efforts:

Rappler has a page for the ongoing relief operations:

Manila
  • UST disaster relief drive now open. Needed: drinking water, instant noodles, canned goods, rice, clothes, footwear, pillows, blankets, sleeping mats, toiletries, and medicine. Drop-off points are the CSC office, Tan Yan Kee Student Center Lobby, or the Local Student Council Office. You may contact Agree Gonzales (09178460671).
  • The Mu Sigma Phi of the UP College Medicine (UP Manila) is now collecting relief goods (clothes and undergarments, drinking water, blankets, canned goods, noodles, rice, sleeping mats, toiletries, sanitary napkins, and diapers). Donations may be dropped off at the Mu Sigma Phi Hut, UP College of Medicine, 547 Pedro Gil. St. Malate Manila. Contact Miguel Berba at 0917 823 02 09 for more info.
Makati
  • Mats, old tarps, food, clothes for forwarding to DSWD are being accepted at The Commissary at Whitespace.
  • The P&P Tattoo branch in Makati will be accepting donations for forwarding to the GMA Kapuso Foundation. Address: Unit G8 45 Polaris St. Bel Air Soho Condominium Brgy. Poblacion Makati City.
  • Santuario de San Antonio Parish now accepting relief goods at parish center rooms 1-4. Volunteers are also welcome. You may call or text 09205085396 if you need someone to pick up relief goods. This is part of the San Antonio Parish Church relief efforts. You may also drop off your donations yourself.
  • Welovepost accepting donations and relief goods at 6F Coherco Corporate Center 116 VA Rufino St., Legaspi Village, Makati.
  • Assumption College in San Lorenzo Village relief operations begin tomorrow (August 8). Needed: cash donations, canned goods, bottled water, rice, and blankets.
  • The Angel Brigade is now accepting relief goods at the Frank Provost Bldg, 120 Jupiter St., BelAir Makati. Tel: 8970383 / 8970307.
  • Colegio San Agustin Makati will start accepting donations tomorrow (August 8) starting 8:30am.
  • Philippine Red Cross Rizal Chapter- Makati City branch needs blankets, mats, canned goods, rice and drinking water. Contact details: 393-4685, 384-3092 / 0917-5093056 / 0917-8124062. Address: PCPI Compound, Sacred Heart St. cor. Sacred Heart Ext., San Antonio Village, Makati City.
  • There's a food drive at The Ritz. People are preparing ready-made food to send to displaced families suffering because of the floods. They need plastic ice bags, rice, and hotdogs. Other donations are welcome as well. Full address: 2302B The Ritz Towers, Ayala Avenue, Makati City.
  • The Ateneo Law Student Council has also began collecting relief goods (clothes, medicine, food items, drinking water, and purification tablets). Donations may be brought to the Law School Activity Center (LSAC), G/F Ateneo Professional Schools Building, Rockwell Center, Makati. Contact Person is ALS-SC EVP Bang Dizon 09274515169.

Marikina
  • Donations are needed at the Concepcion Integrated School. Roughly 582 families have been accomodated there, no food the whole day according to a DepEd representative.
  • St. Scholastica's Academy in Marikina is offering to shelter evacuees.
Mandaluyong
  • La Salle Greenhills has started relief operations inside campus. Donations are being accepted at Gate 2 of the campus along Ortigas Avenue, according to a Facebook post. As of posting, only the following donations will be accepted: ready-to-eat food, water, and clothes.
  • People may seek center in Greenhills Christian Fellowship. You can also contact their Crisis Reponse team (0917-5327525).
  • The lower ground floor of Mega Mall A is a drop off point for donations, as spearheaded by Divine Lee.
  • Donations for flood victims may be dropped off at the main gate of the Poveda campus.
  • Donations may be dropped off at UA&P Pearl Drive, SM Megamall, CCF (Christ's Commission Fellowship) 5/F St Francis Sq. Bldg.
  • Don Bosco Technical College has opened its doors to Mandaluyong residents who have no place to stay. You may enter through Gate 3 along AT Reyes Street. Donations may also be brought to the Convent Building or the open gates of the school.
  • Those in the Mandaluyong area may send relief goods, medicines, and other donations to the Solar TV office at the Worldwide Corporate Center along Shaw Blvd cor EDSA.
  • Donations are being accepted at the RFM Corp. Center, Pioneer corner Sheridan Street, Mandaluyong City.
Muntinlupa
  • De La Salle Zobel has started relief goods collection and distribution for Muntinlupa flood victims. Bring donations of rice, bottled water, canned goods, noodles, blankets, mats, and clothes. Donations may be dropped off at Gate 7. For more details contact Jayjay Jacinto at 09178597602.
  • St. James the Great Children of the Poor Apostolate (COPA) is a relief center in Muntinlupa. Needed: canned goods, bottled water, rice, noodles, and cash. Go directly to St. James the Great Parish Church on Cuenca Street of Ayala Alabang Village.
  • Southridge is accepting donations for Muntinlupa flood victims. Drop donations off in the SR Lobby.
Navotas
  • Philippine Christian Foundation Inc is helping families living in the Navotas cemetary. They need water.
For cash donations: HSBC. Account name: The Philippine Christian Foundation Inc. (PCFI) Account No 000075697040. Swift code: HSBCPHMM
For water donations: PCF School, Smokey Mountain Reclamation Area, Paradise Heights, Manila. Road 10.
For bulk donations: PCFI can arrange pick up. Contact Ms Elma Tulio at +63920-262-6998 or Ms Tess Sarmiento +0910-2805396
Pasay
  • People in the SM Mall of Asia may seek shelter inside the complex. The mall is open until further notice, according to a tweet.
Pasig
  • Relief goods (canned food, rice, blankets, clothes, medicine, etc.) may be dropped off at the Tanjuatco Law Office at the 11th floor of Taipan Place, Emerald Avenue, Ortigas Center in Pasig. Look for Jessie or Jossette, call 6370200.
  • UA&P also accepting relief goods. Both Pearl Drive and Escriva drive entrances are open.
  • The retreat house of Saint Paul College Pasig is now open for students and their families affected by heavy rains and flood.
  • One Meralco Foundation is accepting donations in cash or in kind at the Meralco Center in Ortigas.
  • The Ateneo School of Medicine and Public Health will be taking in donations beginning Wednesday (August 8).
ParaƱaque
  • Merville residents may donate clothes, blankets, toiletries, rice, grains, canned goods, noodles, and the like starting Wednesday (August 8) from 10am-5pm. Collection point is at OLBL Parish, San Lorenzo Ruiz Hall.
Quezon City
  • Philippine Christian Foundation Inc is helping nearly 6000 individuals (mostly from Smokey Mountain). They need water.
For cash donations: HSBC. Account name: The Philippine Christian Foundation Inc. (PCFI) Account No 000075697040. Swift code: HSBCPHMM
For water donations: PCF School, Smokey Mountain Reclamation Area, Paradise Heights, Manila. Road 10.
For bulk donations: PCFI can arrange pick up. Contact Ms Elma Tulio at +63920-262-6998 or Ms Tess Sarmiento +0910-2805396
  • In the Ateneo de Manila University Loyola Schools campus, some classrooms may be used by those in need of temporary shelter from the rain. Those with gate passes to the campus may park their cars at the P-1 parking area of the campus, according to an announcement from the university. (UPDATED note: No final word yet if the classrooms are open to the public.)
  • Relief operations at Ateneo have also began. Food, water, blankets, and clothes may be dropped off at the lobby of Cervini Hall inside the Loyola Schools campus.
  • Akbayanihan Relief Center now accepting donations. Food, water, clothes, and the like being accepted at the Akbayan headquarters in 36B Madasalin Street, Sikatuna Village. You may contact (02)4336933 / 09175381816 / 09064304315 if you want to volunteer.
  • Relief goods are being accepted at the Mt. Carmel Parish in New Manila, where 500 evacuees are staying.
  • The Mother of Divine Providence Parish in Payatas needs uncooked rice, canned goods, noodles, and clothes. Donations may be dropped off at San Juan, Evangelista Street, Campsite, Payatas.
  • IskoOperation in UP Diliman will now accept donations. They're also on the look-out for volunteers. Contact the USC-UPD or the college councils (09277571005 or 09065701029), according to USC-UPC Chairperson Heart Dino.
  • Those living in the vicinity of Sto. Domingo Church in Quezon City are being asked to help provide food and drinks to 400-500 evacuees staying in the Church. Food, water, dry clothes deeded.
  • The P&P Tattoo branch in Eastwood will be accepting donations for forwarding to the GMA Kapuso Foundation. Address: Unit G1-C Eastwood Citywalk 1 Eastwood City, Bagumbayan, QC.
  • The GK Command center for relief operations is at the HRD Training Center, Department of Agrarian Reform Compound in Quezon City. They will be accepting relief goods (rice, instant noodles, canned goods, bread, coffee, and sugar.)
  • TulongKabataan is accepting flood relief aid at 89 K-7th Street, West Kamias, Quezon City.
  • Lourdes Church on D. Tuazon, Quezon City now offering space and snacks for evacuees.
  • Relief operations for the PALEA campsite and APECO farmers have begun at the Corinthian Hills clubhouse.
  • Those stranded in or around UP Diliman can take shelter at the Yakal Dorm lobby, Magsaysay St. cor. Apacible.
  • Donations needed at Miriam College High School. Needed: canned goods, bottled water.
  • Donations may be dropped off at the Oracle Hotel in Katipunan Avenue, Quezon City.
  • San Jose Seminary inside the Ateneo Loyola Schools campus now open for those affected by the rain and flood.
  • Over 2,000 families being housed at Rosa L. Susano-Novalishes Elementary School. They're in need of food and water, donate if you can.
  • Beginning tomorrow, donations may be delivered to Moonleaf Maginhawa in Teacher's Village.
  • Bridget School in Quezon City is open to those who are stranded because of the rain and flood.
  • Rock Ed now accepting rice, canned goods, noodles, biscuits, and water at Camp Aguinaldo. Text Roy at 09178017693. Pick-ups begin tomorrow.
  • The UP College of Mass Communication invites people to bring relief goods and donations to Plaridel Hall for UP-wide operations.
  • Christ the King Parish along Greenmeadows Ave is now accepting relief goods.
  • FEU-NRMF will be open for donations starting Wednesday (August 8). You may drop your donations at UG 8.
  • Our Lady of Pentecost parish in Katipunan, Quezon city accepts evacuees. They also need mats, blankets, and bottled water.
  • Dakila Artist Collective will be collecting relief goods. You may drop them at Unit 3A VS1 Building #34 Kalayaan Ave. Quezon City. (Near Kalayaan corner V. Luna, white building in front of Metro Oil).
  • Relief operations also ongoing at the Bukluran ng Manggagawang Pilipino office. Address: 76 K-7th St., East Kamias, Quezon City.
  • The Lean Alejandro Foundation also conducting relief operations at 34 Matiyaga St., Pinyahan, Quezon City. Contact Gem at 434-2025 or 0923-826-3198.
  • The Partido Lakas ng Masa office has began relief operations at 13 Rigor Street, Barangay Masagana, Project 4, Quezon City. Contact Ate Tina or Lara at 439-5811.
  • As of 4:45pm Tuesday, 1464 families are seeking refuge in San Isidro Parish, 250 families in San Antonio de Padua Parish, 182 families in Old Balara. Donations may be sent to St. Peter parish in Commonwealth, Quezon City.
San Juan
  • Xavier Schools will accept donations from August 9 to 15, 2012. Bring relief bags containing: 8 canned goods, 12 packs of instant noodles, 2 liters of water, and 2 kilos of rice.
Taguig
  • Those living in the Fort Bonifacio area may drop off their donations at the Enderun college. Those who want to help may contact Luz Cleofas of the Taguig DSWD (5423693, 09175637314), says director Lino Cayetano 
As of posting, all Ayala and SM Malls continue to be open to the public for temporary shelter.

If you are like me and stuck somewhere, you can opt to donate.

***Details lifted from Rappler.com

Stay safe, everyone!


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"So what? If I want to be with you, 
I'm supposed to just throw 
all of my previous life experience out 
the window? 
I'm supposed to just stop
being who I am?" 

(Joey Potter, Dawson's Creek / Season Six, Episode 23)
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"Because you can
never
go back."

(Donna, Suits)

segment,segment,segment.

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I just want everything to be in their respective corners and places and spaces.

I want friends to be friends and everyone else to be in that space.Where they should be.

I don't like when everyone overlaps and confuses me into weird thoughts and feelings and actions.

Everyone keeps telling me that's a weird thing to want, but well.

I just want everything to be in order.

Is that not a normal thing to want?

*In a semi-debate with N, as he finds my views and my life quite contrary. Belat. :D

To me, Love is all that is Loud and Crazy and Happy.

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I haven't been writing lately. Mostly because of work, slightly because I feel a little daunted by all the stuff I want to write about, and, also because my journal's been taking beating lately with all the private crazy thoughts.

But I realized I barely have any vacation updates, so I just want to share my favorite vacation moment from May*:

One of the things I love to do is go be with my Lolo Abel whenever I can. As he's no longer here, it's a bit difficult. My grandfathers (as both are part of this, somewhat) are two of the reasons why I'm spoiled rotten. My Lolo Abel, in particular, was always a steady presence, giving me everything I ever needed. He was funny and kind, and everything I ever needed. I miss him like crazy.


Ooops, digression. :)


My favorite moments from this trip all involve our visits to Lolo, because I have the most insane family in the world. You know how in cemeteries, everyone's tendency is to keep quiet and be all formal, and sad, and mopey? My family is the opposite of that.


Where others cry, we...dance. :)

Love.
I know it's a little weird, but at the same time, it's incredibly us.We aren't the sort to dwell on the sadness, or the problems. Why grumble when you can giggle, why shout when you can sing, why be anything but happy, is what my family has always taught me.

And even though right now, my heart is confused and hurting, all I need to do is look at these photos, or call one of the cousins, and I'll feel better.

Because they always remind me that Love is supposed to be Happy. :)

*I apologize for the shoddy mosaic-ing skillz. I at least took very little of the photos there, so you can actually see people!
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Answer; n; Maybe is always safest but it's never satisfying.

(David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary)
 
*You always make me want to tear out my hair, and laugh, and cry, and be giddy. I try to skip out on you, and yet you keep reminding me you're there. I'm not there yet, you're never going to be there anymore, and yet...I don't quite get how this is happening anymore. Me no likey. :/

Standing still, growing tall.

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This week has been extremely exhausting, it felt like UP Fair Week. Mostly cause, I was out every night with people. And as going out every night is very unlike me, I'm doubly tired.

And as I sit here just taking a breath from my Social Butterfly Week, I realize one thing: it's June.

It's June, and I'm still here. More to the point, it's June, I'm still in Starlink, and I'm nowhere near resigning. I'm not even looking at job postings, or anything of that sort. I'm just here.

It's a weird feeling.

Since 2010, my pattern has been, jobhunt Decembers, application Januarys and leave mid-Junes.

It's jarring to realize I'm in the same place.

I guess I am growing up.

Breakfast is my favorite Dinner.

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The Trophy Friends
Dinner at BFast with the Trophy Friends last night, with Calea chocolate cake (courtesy of me) and CBTL after (as ever with us, also semi-courtesy of Dheng).

We haven't been very on-track with our supposedly twice monthly meetings, what with Dheng's new gig, my slavery schedule and Coeli's intense field activities. Still, this proves that we can manage to meet up, even if it mostly involves dragging each other away from our offices. :)

Benta moments:

  • The invention of the term, 'Common Jowa', which is what Dheng calls a cheater boyfriend. Because he has two girls (or guys).
  • Cyber Bullying. 
  • Dheng and her building up of her office friends. Ehem.
  • Our plan to smuggle ourselves into Dheng's building, without overstepping the lines of FriendshipOvery with certain people:
                                       C: Kausapin nalang natin si (Person), no.
                                       A: Um, no. Mas gugustuhin ko pang mang-akit.
  • This incredibly amusing exchange:
                                       D: Anong gusto nyo, train or bus?
                                       A: Train, yun yung mas mabilis no?
                                       D: Medyo third-class train to, ah. As in PNR levels.
                                       C: Ah PNR. Pero...may cafe* naman sila, diba?
                                       (A and D, die laughing)

As always, this proves I have the best friends, ever.

*Gusto ko lagyan ng accent, pero di ako marunong!!!

Sometime ago,

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"Do you like boys? (slight pause) Do you like...me?" (giggle and run off)

- Nikko to me, 2010

I just remembered this because of something today, and it suddenly made me smile and realize, it's THAT easy to tell someone how you really feel.

Especially if you're four years old and quite possibly, not really sure what you're saying. :)

Seriously, why isn't this my life?

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Chilling, Carbine Reef
This is Carbine Reef, one of the islands we went to last week. Island is a bit of a stretch. Well, Magic Island would be better. :)

The water is so incredibly clear, the sand white, the mood serene, the people practically non-existent (it's an access-only island, you need clearance to get there) that it felt immediately like home.

That's because Carbine Reef is one of the 7,000+ islands that disappear depending on the tides. When we got there at around 8am, we were still able to frolic in the coral-ly sand. As we were leaving at around 1PM, you could barely leap from one end of the island to the other (crosswise, though, it's a very long disappearing island).

I miss it.

Why don't I live near the beach?

I adored Up the movie.

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Imagine: if you had enough balloons, you could go anywhere! 

But more than all the adventures, what stuck with me the most was the love between Carl and Ellie.I've always been really skeptical about love lasting forever (I still am, to some extent) but their love is inspiring to me.

And it gave a new dimension to my people watching activities. 

See, people are immensely interesting. Even when they're just going around, one of my very favorite things is to look while everyone else does. I don't really have a specific peg when I people watch, sometimes it'll be because that person is wearing something striking, or they're doing something striking, or they're incredibly striking (haha) but mostly I just look around, and try to imagine why they're here, who they are.

After I saw Up, I started to notice elderly couples who were behaving in ways that reminded me of Carl and Ellie. This isn't to say that I didn't notice elderly people before, but that the movie made it become sort of a game to me, finding a Carl and Ellie pair.

My most memorable Carl and Ellie pair to date was when I was waiting for my dad to pick me up, and sitting on the steps outside Landmark. There was this Lolo* who was guiding this Lola* down the mall steps. I found it curious to see that she had a walker and really, she could have walked on her own, but the Lolo insisted on helping her down, anyway. :)

There was no place to sit on the steps anymore (it gets a bit crowded during that time, as everyone waits for their sundo*), so I stood up and offered my spot. The Lolo then took his jacket off and put it on my former spot, for the Lola to sit in. (Admit that a very big part of you just said Awwww)

I'm a sucker for gentleman gestures of any kind, so this really melted my heart. (I know, independence, liberation, all that stuff. I agree, they're important. But that doesn't mean it won't make me squee when a guy opens the door for me, or carries my stuff, or accompanies me home because I am honestly not that evolved yet. :D )

We got to talking and when their ride came, they even offered to take me home! I said no to that, though and watched them get into their car, the Lolo handing the Lola in, their hands almost always joined.

It's been a while since I've done any serious people watching, as mostly I'm on the go (this media plannering shiz is very tough on the downtimes) everywhere, but today, I got another one:

Carl + Ellie!**

I was on my way to MarketMarket to buy something when I saw this couple on the bus across from me. I noticed them mostly because they were dressed similarly***: sneakers, shirts, shorts, matching bracelets and watches, the works. Also because they were talking so animatedly, and laughing every so often. They were definitely a Carl and Ellie pair. 

They put me in a great mood.It's always nice to see couples like that, because it's good to know that for some people, Love really works out. :)


*Lolo, Lola and Sundo are all Filipino words: Lolo is Grandfather, Lola is Grandmother and Sundo is 'being fetched/picked up by someone from some place'.
**I know, I realize how awful it is, taking photos of people without their consent. Or knowledge. But I did my best to only show their hands. I just really needed to show this off.
***They do say that when you're on the same wavelength with someone, you tend to dress the same way. :)

I do it for the moments of Love.

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A few moments ago, I was at the office and my officemates somehow stumbled upon my blog.

One of them started reading from it aloud, which is rather exceedingly mortifying, given that my last entry was about the Nips Jeep* and well, given that ALL my entries are embarrassing.

I even yelled, all annoyed, 'Stop reading it, this blog is private!'

Which, when you reflect on, there's something called a journal, which is really private, and then, there's this blog, which any person with Google can stumble upon. 

So now that I'm stuck wondering why I even really blog, given that I want privacy. (I also journal. I like writing, I guess.)

I think I've written something similar to this before, but it feels like that kind of night, so let's see:

1. I like it. Blogging, at least the way I do it, is  a bit more of my way of sharing and releasing stress. I don't take it seriously, but it feels like a way of still dipping into writing, every now and then. 

2. It makes me feel semi-bad ass. I always feel that my opinion is important (heh) and having a way to share that with the world makes me feel happy. Plus, when I'm mad at the world, it's good knowing that there's a place that's mine all mine where I can feel all yell-y and caps lock-y.

3. I'm easily worked up and this helps bring me down. Sort of the way G+ is now my catch all for quick annoyance moments, this blog just gives me freedom to let it go, in a constructive manner. I'm no good with confrontations: I'm the type of person who cries when I'm angry, so I never ever confront anyone. Writing helps. 

4. The Kilig. Before, I wrote this post explaining surveys to people because I was getting annoyed with the way surveys were being taken to task over the elections. And people I didn't know commented, and said nice things and that made me feel good. And just today, one of my officemate said I write well. And well, there it is, that Kilig that you feel when something you work on is appreciated, it never really goes away. 

Most of all, I blog because it's writing. Even though that's one dream that I have no chance with anymore, I still like dabbling in it. First loves, they never go away. And Writing will always be my First. :)

*It's now the Nips jeep, because Louie-san said it reminded him of the Nips song. :) Which, when you think about it (or hum along, like you really want to do now) is quite true.

cheers to the work week! :D

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I didn't work at all this weekend. Life of Pi, the search for the perfect swimsuit, and my day with D was all that I did. And I feel incredibly refreshed. :D

And I feel a bit guilty about it. Okay, a lot guilty. When I mentioned this to a friend of mine, he just said it was in my nature.

I didn't mention the part where I was starting to open my work files, though.

Which I am now just going to give up on, because my bed is near, and my willpower done.

To get into the Monday mood, here is a photo of the most cheerful jeepney roof in the world:

Walking, more Awesome in the Philippines.
I've always believed that walking is the only way to get anywhere (unless you can fly) and it's little touches like this that convince me.

Can you imagine the work it took for the jeepney driver (and friends) to make that roof as cheerful as that?
All those colors, and the shape of the clouds and the placement, to make it all so twee and nice.

And it's not like they'd be able to see it, from where they are inside the jeep, if they're even riding it at all.

It's things like this that warm my heart and make me feel that everywhere, everyone is doing their best to make the world a better place to live in. :)

And it's thoughts like that that make me appreciate where I am, what I'm doing, and why it matters.




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“It really was such a shame, the way you could be so careful, and for so long, and then go ahead and undo it all in the end, as though nothing had ever been held together by anything at all.”
Johanna Skibsrud, This Will Be Difficult to Explain: And Other Stories

I want to be less me, and yet I can't.
I should stop doing this.
All I want right now is to go to sleep and just rest, but I can't. 

I try, but I can never seem to let things go so far in that direction, I can't even take a step towards it.
I wish I were less neurotic about things but I can't do it.

I keep thinking this is the last time, and yet, it never becomes the last time.
I'm so sad about where things are going now, I can't even see anything beyond it.

It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair.

two for one today.

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Just got back from American Pie Reunion (Nice movie. I mean. Okay, not really. It made me laugh, but I have honestly forgotten most of it. And it's only been 20 minutes. Great music, though. I cannot believe one of the characters referred to the Spice Girls as classic rock, though. I mean, whut? Okay, really long digression, wow.)

My roommate has just finished her concern over my being trapped in the bathroom when, for some weird reason, she suddenly...trapped herself in the bathroom.

Now, her predicament is obviously funnier than mine, seeing as I was able to call our guard immediately to get her out. Still, it just made me think back to what had happened to me earlier this evening.

And I realized that I was feeling a mix of terrified and desperate, it also made me feel...appreciative. 

Of everything around me, of what I had, of my life, in general.

I've been feeling a little trapped and mixed up lately, and I have taken it out on everyone around me. I've often said I hated whiners and yet, that's ALL I do lately. 

But now, it is time to step way up. 

I need a plan, to get back to what I love and who I am. I need Amae Restauro back.

It is so On, pieces of my life! 

I am so getting me back.

So I just escaped from the bathroom.

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I was trapped in the bathroom, a few moments ago, for OVER AN HOUR.

It feels good to be here, typing on Laptop and being all Zen.

Except I'm not really Zen, I'm still hyperventilating from being trapped in the bathroom. FOR OVER AN HOUR. With nothing but my hair product labels to read. 

I still can't quite believe I was trapped in the bathroom, I'm trying to write this down because it feels like...fodder for my next foray into...something.

Anyway, I had just finished reading Lourd de Veyra's commencement address to UP CMC 2012, and decided that, since my alarm had sounded off 15 minutes ago, it was time to get ready for American Pie. (I have an event tonight, an advance screening sponsorship for Coke Red)

I went into the bath for a quick shower, already thinking about the stuff I needed to buy and bills to pay before the movie. While waiting for my conditioner to settle, I realized I had forgotten to take my facial wash with me to the bathroom. So, I decided to go out and get it.

Hand on door, then for some reason, the door wouldn't budge. At all.

I figured it was because my hands were wet, so I decided to wipe them off.

Once my hands were dry, I tried again. Only, it STILL wouldn't budge.

I was a little annoyed by then. I mean, hello. Stupid door.

So I tried, repeatedly. Every possible combination of door turning, I did it.

Until only about a bazillion door twists later (I may be exaggerating here, but I have earned the right to be overly dramatic right now. It's why I'm typing so fast, my dramatic license expires in a few moments), I had to give up the hope that the door was ever going to open for me. 

I was locked, in the bathroom. With running water, and nothing to read. (I know, call me a nerd. I totes don't care right now.)

I would like with all my heart to now tell you that I kicked that door wide open and went out to enjoy my day but that did nawt happen.

Well, I tried to. At first, I yelled. Really, really loudly. Then, I became whiny and cried a bit. Then, I did a combination of both. For some reason (thanks a lot, Labor Day), no one heard me.

Then, I became...desperate, and a little bit crazy.

I kicked the door in and punched it a few times. (I have an inner Hulk, heh)

After all the kicking, I managed to detach the knob from my side of the door and see the inner doorknob. I was also able to pinpoint my problem: the twisting mechanism of the door had gotten detached, which was why I could unlock the door, but it wouldn't open. All I had to do was bend the detached part away from the rest of the (remaining) door knob, and I would be free. Unfortunately, a girl can only do so much with a toothbrush and a comb.

I wasn't really ready to give up, though. I'd read all my product labels five times (there are apparently two more steps after shampoo and condition, people) and I was bored and I really, really wanted to go to American Pie. (I think I'm still going, now. I feel the need to leave this room, just in case I get locked in again.)

So I did what I always do when faced with something I have no real solution to: I rationalized. Surely, this isn't a bad place to hang around for a couple of hours. I mean, I had water, and...labels to reread, as well steps for proper shampooing and conditioning to memorize. 

This rationalization went on for approximately ten minutes (alright, possibly longer, like I had a clock?), and finally gave way to a massive bout of crying and self-pity. 

Why did I need to go out, anyway? Why couldn't I have just gone to sleep, like other people seem to be doing today? Why do I have work? Why did I have to get trapped in the bathroom, when I was so nice to the bathroom? I clean it, dammit! 

I was wailing by this point, and alternately getting angrier and angrier at Clara C for being so happy and peppy and still singing,basically. (I should explain: Clara C is a YouTube singer, and I've been following her for a while, and she's my getting ready to go out music. So, I had music on while I was in the bathroom, because I like to sing along to stuff and my voice sounds awesome in bathrooms.) when I decided on my last plan: to scale the wall and try to get out through the window. Our bathroom has a tiny window, which you can get out of if you're reasonably tiny. Or desperate.

My plan was to remove the last two panes, and slide out.

Still, I tried yelling into the window first, that I was in 301 and needed some saving.

Thankfully, after what felt like forever (which it really was, I was trapped in the bathroom from 4:10 to 5:05, I checked my watch because I am like that), I heard keys turning in the lock.

They basically had to destroy the doorknob with metal pliers (or whatever that tool that can break metal is) so I could get out.

And now, I'm typing this.
And I just messaged my family and friends a really weepy text about how much I love them all.

And I now want to get out of this room, just to ensure that I won't be in for another trapping.

As I write this, I can see the cracks that the door has sustained from my kicks and punches, as well as the scrapes on my hands from those delivered punches.

I'm not sure why I just typed that.

I guess I wanted to end in a profound manner.

But really, I'm much too wound up for THAT.

So I will end this with practical advice: CHECK YOUR LOCKS, EVERYONE. 
Cause sometimes, they don't like to let you go.

This sums up (in a better way than I ever could) how I feel about e-books.

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I don’t personally like the e-readers they’ve come up with so far. I don’t fetishize books, but I do like that they’re solid and unchanging. Most of the experience of reading The Great Gatsby is just the story itself, and you can get that in any form, including an audio version or something. But there’s something about having that book, that physical object, that I turn each page of and have on the shelf, that matters to me. And probably more important, those pages were white, and then they had Fitzgerald put on them. The problem I had with the Kindle when I tried it was, you know, first I had Ann Coulter, then I had Flannery O’Connor. [Laughs.] It’s the same little sheet. It makes everything seem unsubstantial. In my own twisted mind, it makes the words seem more arbitrary, less intrinsically valuable, less substantive if it can just be any words. We could just wipe the slate clean and get Laura Bush’s memoir, and then we could wipe it clean again and get Samuel Beckett. It’s part of that postmodern leveling, and I think people who really care about books feel in their hearts that there is actually a difference between Laura Bush’s memoir and Samuel Beckett. It’s not an elitist argument, it’s that somebody was trying to say something here, and in the other instance, a product has been put out there. So to that extent, I’m resistant to it, but that said, I’m happy with whatever form someone wants to read a book of mine.
                                                     (Jonathan Franzen, on e-reading)

*Truth. Books are still so, so, so much better.

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"I hope you know that 
you'll always have me." 
(Chuck)

Except I won't, because I'm down to my last three episodes and I don't want Chuck to enddd (six seasons and a movie, anyone?) 

Eeeeek. This show has undergone so many changes and hiccups and yet, it manages to provide me with everything. I will admit that this season isn't the best, but overall, this show is the absolute BEST. Chuck is truly the little show that could for me.

I wasn't able to say goodbye to it last January (along with the rest of the world), as life was rather busy but now that I have time, I still don't want to let this show go. 

I'm going to be crying once I hear that Cake instrumental for the last time. :(

Sigh.

rockStar of the year**

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I'll let you in on a secret, one that I coat in liberal doses of snark, eye rolls and generally, maldita behavior:

I'm painfully shy. 

I doubt anyone ever thinks of me as shy. Mostly, people see me as masungit*. I will admit that I am that, on occasion. Mostly, the food-less occasions. Har. 

I don't really know why I'm shy: I just like to be in the background. You know how in photos, everyone nowadays always likes being front and center? I'm almost always the girl to the side, in the back, just barely in the shot. I've always done better with the background: it's safe there, and also, people with their backs to the wall rarely ever get surprised. 

So the last few weeks have been wild with surprises, work-wise.There was the Revalida Chocolate Truffles. And now, the rookie of the year nomination. That one really kind of took me by surprise: I'm quite certain I'm middle person material, all the way. (I hope people reading this--if people do read this--aren't rolling their eyes at me, being all, b*tch please. I'm not downplaying me, as if. This is my own blog, why would I do THAT here?) With so much awesome in SMG, it's really kind of difficult to stand out. 

Anyway, the point to this blabby, very TMI entry is that I'm just really happy right now. I just can't stress it enough by teasing my teammates so I have to blab it all over the Internets.

I'm just really feeling blessed that my teammates all feel I'm okay enough to be part of Starlink. (Cause Starlink is awesome.) I sometimes feel like dead weight, particularly when I'm hit by my incredible lazy ways, so right now, it's just so...so...I'm just really happy.

I think I should go before I expire from the TMI.


*A Filipino word that is a combination of snobby and standoffish. Don't you just love words with no direct translations? :)
**The title is an inside joke we have, because we were all ribbing each other that we would be nominated if there WAS a category like that. :)