This is my first official existential crisis.

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I made a big boo boo at work today, and I'm still reeling from it now.

Part of me can't accept that it happened, the rest of me won't.

Har.

To accept would mean that I'm not as good as I think I am, and that just doesn't bear thinking about.
To not accept it would mean that I'm clearly full of myself, and that also doesn't give me a sunshine and daisies feeling.

I just don't understand how it could have happened, how I could have missed something like that.

I feel slightly like those moments when I'm late for something, when I get this flutter of feelings, all light-headed and panicky, scared that I had missed it all, that I had disrespected someone because I wasn't able to attend to him/her on time.

Except this time, it's more of an I forgot there was even a set meeting, and so this happened.

And I'm not sure what to do about it, how to move on from feeling the Fail of it all. It feels like Math 11 all over again, and that almost destroyed me. I barely recovered from that, I spent my entire summer locked away in the dorm. My family had to drag me home on weekends, I went find-the-x-crazy on them. On some levels, I am still not over that.

The thing is, I don't want to get over this.

To accept this would mean that I'm becoming careless, less me, less Amae.

To accept this would make that flutter become a regular motion, a standard thing, a common practice.

Getting over this would lead to other slip-ups, and I can't, I won't, I never want that again.

I never want to feel this way again.

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