Apropos of everything.

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"I know now, Kostya, I understand now, that in our work -- and it makes no difference whether we're acting or whether we're writing -- the main thing is not the fame, not the glory, no the things that I used to dream of; it's the ability to endure. Learn to bear your cross; have faith. I have faith, and for me, the pain is less. And when I think about my vocation, I am not afraid of life."

(Nina to Kostya, The Seagull)

I am currently reading a collection of Anton Chekhov's plays, and the Seagull is constantly on my mind. 

Mostly because I am regressing and becoming stupid in the head lately. GAH. I have to bring my A game back to my life. 

It's unfair to everyone whose working their asses off, while I coast. 

Also, I have never been a coaster. (Side note, how would it feel to be like a coaster for reals? Either a roller coaster, which would be exciting or a glass coaster, which would be...annoying. ahahaha)

Re-booting, please.

peace of mind

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An officemate of mine has a running joke, where he asks us where he can buy peace of mind.

I think I got to buy mine last week. At least now, I know that I have done all I can, through all the proper channels available to me, to make my voice heard.

As another officemate has said, I have to let the rest of it go.

I have to think and to plan, and to be patient, but I know I will get there.

Taking solace in quotes (hahaha everything has been reduced to this), this one from Heroes is a good kick in the ass: "No one makes a movie about the ending."

So now, I just have to do my best, my utter best, to make things work from my end.

I need a boost.

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Or an escape.

I'm so sick of everything lately.

I hate all of this.

I feel like I've done all the right steps, and yet, no one is there to help me.

More than the exhaustion, it's the dismay, the realization that there is no one left here who cares about us. Everyone great has left, and we are the ones left to cover the ever-widening gaps.

Today, the priest said something extremely loaded: "Let us Love the Lord in others."

And I am trying but, this is SO HARD.

I'm about to break, and it ain't gonna be pretty.

I pray that I can get through, I've been keeping my head down (within reason) but it's getting close to breakpoint.

As I begin this week, this is my prayer: Lord, let me love You in others.

Help me, 2014 is so far away.